What the huh????

The holiday season went well. It was incredibly busy but a very good. Here's a brief recap-

Our drama "A Gift for Clara" was wonderfully received. The children did a wonderful job at proclaiming God's love and desire to fill the empty spaces of our hearts and lives. I learned a lot from the experience - mainly that there is much to know about the background details in a church that is technically saavy. The churches that I have been working at have grown in their technical sophistication. From the South Pasadena Episcopal Church which we had nothing technical at all during my internship there - I think the Rector was blessed with an over the ear mic my last few months there - but no video/recording or lighting etc. to speak of; to the church in Oregon which had some lighting and technical (sound) stuff but was not set up to do productions to my current Church. Here our tech booth upstairs is awash in serious sound and lighting boards, video cameras, DVD and CD recording and duplicating objects and at least two different montitors projecting or tracking what is on the two jumbo screens in the Sanctuary. It's amazing. I wish I had a picture at the moment of the tech board but alas I don't. The response from the community and kids was positive and we are looking at ways to incorporate more drama in the future as an outreach ministry to the community. But I have to say again our parents' commitment to the ministry and to the project was phenomenal. From our volunteer director/producer/choreographer couple to the people who pitched in to help with costumes, wrangling, etc. There was much that I didn't know that needed to be involved and now have a good idea of a pre-production list/accounting that will get us off on the right foot next time.

Moving directly into the Christmas Season from Clara came our Family Christmas Eve Service which was well received. I had wanted to do several stations and backed away from that after talking with some people who thought it was a bit "scary" to do - and later was told by my SP that if I have been given the authority to construct a service to go ahead and move in the direction that I am envisioning. Quelle Freedom! We had the entire service done primarily with children and youth - from our worship leaders, readers, object lesson presenter (a college guy who work/interns with our youth on breaks) to a special presentation of the christmas story by Linus Van Pelt of Peanuts fame. I shared a small message aimed at both parents and children and we concluded with a "christmas story in a bag" station which had children come forward and put together objects into a bag which they in turn could tell the christmas story to another person the next day. Next year - watch out we may be into something very different....

School ended the day before Clara and I was plagued by massive problems with my computer. I had pulled up the saved and completed paper only to need the gift of interpretation of tongues if I wanted to translate. Gobble, pure gobble. Nothing could convert it back to any version of English so I had to wind up rewriting and submitting it late knocking my A paper down to a horrid C. And bringing my overall grade down to a C as well. And to think that I had a B+ average going into the final and paper. Oh well...

Then - the drama began. My mom came into town the day before the performance and promptly began to suffer back pain and I had to eventually admit her into the ER and hospital for pain management. The goal was to have my sister fly down, care for mom (she's an RN) and then together fly back to Portland but within a day or two after discharge we realized that she was not going to be able to fly and my BiL drove down to escort the two back home between snow storms. She's doing better now, still struggling with some pain but that apparantly will take time to work its way out.

With all that drama out of my world I attempted to relax and rest prior to starting school again. I picked up my exercise - moving towards getting healthy enough to run a 10K in the summer and managed to drop some weight during the holidays - not much but some. One of my resolutions or goals for the year had to do with finding out what it was going to take to really connect me back with loosing weight. I had done it in the past, and successfully I might add. Yet gained 5/8 of the weight back when I ceased exercising and lost sight of portions. I was working out with a trainer/PT and feeling better than I had - though really tired and exhausted all the time.

Then after a good work out the day before, I woke up two weeks ago with a pain across my back -traps, lats, obliques. Just what my PT told me to expect. But the darn pain didn't seem to go away, it just seemed to increase over the day to the point I was apologizing to a fellow CM leader who came to visit about my having to keep stretching during the conversation. After cutting the meeting short, I decided to go home and sleep it off thinking my body was just recouping from the witner and new schedule it was on. But the dull ache in my teeth just didn't seem right and I drove the 1/2 block from work to the ER thinking it was just strained muscles.

Ha!

The pain in my jaw got worse from the car to the ER, and then I began to get short of breath. I used the two magic words in triage "chest pain" and was immediately brought in and strapped up to monitors, IV's etc. Still hurt but was ok for about an hour when I really began to hurt...

You know that you're in trouble city when the nurses eyes get big and all of a sudden cardiologists and radiologists are swarming your bed. And then you start hearing stats that match your description and the word "ICU" being used in the same sentence. So obviously - I'm not going anywhere and began to call and cancel my speaking engagement for the next day, a couple of meetings and letting work know I'm not going to be in the next day and send some Elder's over please to pray.

What the huh?!!!???!! I suffered a heart attack. And had angioplasty the next day to clear a blocked artery.

I'm way too young to be doing this S*#T! Way too young to be watching a cardiology team put pieces of metal into my heart to prop up an artery. And while I am incredibly thankful for technology, and medication and knowledge and especially incredible HEALTH INSURANCE (thanks EPC and my church) it's a major slap in the face.

So the good news. God answered my prayer. You remember the one that I mentioned about what it was going to take to get me focused to loose the weight and make better life choices? Found it. Not necessarily what I would have liked but I do appreciate the irony in the entire experience. Already 10 pounds are off the body in two weeks and I am slowly moving back into the world - with a new perspective on what a reasonable schedule DOESN'T look like. I've been spending the past week organzing, and purging all over the house - as though it is an emotional response to the need to reorder my life. And spending lots of time exploring how to rebuild a new rhthym in my spiritual life because obviously what I had was broken.

So here is the thing - I look at many people in ministry and we have many of the same qualities - especially in Children's and Youth Ministry:

*We are often great nurturers and caretakers - sometimes to a fault;
*We like a good challenge and excel at seeing things accomplished;
*We take a lot of work onto our plate setting an example for those who work with us;
*We may be a "mellow" type A but we are type A's at heart;
*We expect a lot from ourselves;
*We balance too many balls in the air;
*We care for everyone else and put our own health and wellness at the bottom of the list;
*We may not have the funds to regularly see medical professionals, or care for our physical health;
*We will schedule out time for exercise, rest, family time but then let the cares of people and ministry impede;
*Many of us are overweight;
*We are more Martha's than Mary's

Craig Jutila in an article this past year addressed his departure from Saddleback Children's Ministry to focus on his health and wellness and that of his family. In that article he shared how he thrived on ministry and used that sense of success and achievement to feed his soul and emotional needs. Sometimes to the extent that his family was shut out of portions of his life. After a considerable time of refelction Craig did an amazing thing and left Saddleback, choosing to focus on recovery. Now back in ministry in a new project (successfully, I might add)he is attempting to take back parts of his life that the "ministry monster" devoured.

How many of us fall in this trap? Whether you are in ministry or not we daily are forced to make decisions for our family. Do you put the kids in yet one more sports or after school activity? Take the promotion knowing that it means even more time away from the family, travel and late nights? Push ourselves to achieve that A even if it means we suffer sleep deprivation while balancing work. We lose sight of what it means to be the one who sits at the feet of Jesus. Soaking in his presence. Basking in the love of the Spirit.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Is it a result of our brokenness? Sin? Unrealistic expectations?

I return to work next Tuesday and church on Sunday. There will be 300 pairs of eyes watching every move that I make, every morsel that I put into my mouth. I know by virtue of my position that I will be in the fishbowl during my rehab and recovery. And you know what? I welcome the attention as difficult as it will be. It gives me an opportunity to model and live out an attempt to conform my life, my passions, my appetites more close to God's desire that we be health and prosper as our soul prospers. And in the end, I hope that it will be a sense of encouragement to others that they too, can find balance and wholeness in the midst of the cacaphony which attempts to drag us from our true focus and calling.

No Subject. Just Life. Really.

I guess the title of this entry says it all. Nothing really falls into a catgory. I'm just sharing about my life. Really. That's all. Work is going well, I'm so glad to have a SP on board. Such a refreshing change. It's been interesting for me that with this new change there has been this bit of cautiousness that has risen up within me. I knew that it was related to my field ed experience. It took a bit of time to work through some of the apprehension and realize that I am not in the same environment, the clergy person that I am working with now has a very different style of leadership than my previous one. That I am respected here by leadership. But it was still this really bizarre experience when I was having that initial conversation with S and he brings out this file folder with the internship package info in it that I gave our EP. There was the part of me that literally wanted to dodge the subject all together. He was actually positive about the possibility of mentoring me. We've had some great conversations since his arrival and during his time as Interim. While I may be more fluid in my ministry praxis - we have a great meeting of the minds. And what I appreciate more than anything is his openness to consider (not necessarily agree) with new ways to look at something. He wants to engage with his staff and that is so refreshing on many levels.

The reality is that I just don't want to be burned again in this whole ordination process. It's not happening here but I am waiting for that "shoe to drop" feeling. Someone once said that it is normal to experience that type of expectation when you've had a significant loss in your life. So I just continue to do what I have learned to remind myself that life doesn't always play out the way you think it will - sometimes it's GOOD! The good news - the apprehension departed within a day. A record for me.

I feel as though I am once again in this deep growth place spiritually. I'm coming to terms with some residual crud related to my perfectionism again. I started seminary again the last week of September. Already it's week 4 and midterms are here. I have a lot of reading in my Gospels class, and it isn't easy always an easy read. We're tackling two books by N.T. Wright and the Introductory Text book by Achtemier, Green and Thompson, and an exegetical methods book by Michael Gorman. I'm finding I can't breeze through reading these days. I'm making notes in the margins and really trying to improve my comprehension which seems to very low than I care. The fact that it seems to take more concentration frustrates me and lo and behold kicks in that "I am willing to do whatever I need to go get that A." I know that the grade doesn't validate who I am as an individual. That comes from who I am in God. Yet I have come to the conclusion that grades do matter to me. They are more important to me than I realized. It is a sense of accomplishment when I can achieve an A. What is interesting here at the Menlo Park campus is that the pressure on grades isn't as much as it was in Pasadena. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that there are so many going on to PhD's and the extension campus doesn't have that option. It just seems that here there isn't that edge of competition and expectation that everyone brings their A game here. I had to laugh because the other night in Greek someone shared that for many here "C=M.Div" In my world a C=F=why bother? Needless to say that I am finding myself passing on outings with friends, trips to the City to stay home and study. Will it be worth it in the long run? You betcha. Just sucks occassionally.

S's installation is coming up in a week. It's much different in style and tone than one I previously was part of. That one was full of pomp and circumstance. It sometimes felt as those we were attending a coronation. This one is about 180 degrees different. Very reverential, simple, humble. No pomp. Some circumstances. Building Bridges is over - another incredible weekend. Even our childcare kids did more service projects this year than last. They carved out pumpkins and cut/arranged flowers creating centerpieces for the dinner tables at our Saturday night celebration. I posted a couple of pictures above - hopefully I can figure out how to center them - don't know what happened but oh well.

Today was one of those days where I really missed my long time friends. I miss not calling my newly married friends to hear about what is up. They're in nesting mode and I don't want to disturb them having been married 3 and 4 weeks ago respectively. Facebook has been terrific in connecting me back with friends from college, high school and LA - and I guess it just makes it rough when you wish you could just drive over, walk across the breeze way or down the block and see them. One friend in particular M, I'm missing more now after chatting with her for the first time in months. We're planning to connect when they fly out to Disneyland in December. I had the flight scheduled within 15 minutes of reading her email with the dates they were going to be there. And my vacation request in as well! Of course, it didn't help much that I watched the "Sex in the City" movie the other night with my roommate D. I was completely surprised at what a great job they did with it. And I missed the girl's nights we used to have in L.A. and at the Oregon Coast. I wouldn't trade SF and what I am doing for anything but wish there was a way I could have my cake and eat it too when it comes to location and close friends. And of course the theme of what you'll do when you love not just "in love" with someone made me seriously consider eHarmony - but where do you pencil in a relationship between work and seminary? Is there a way to have a healthy, loving relationship, satisfaction in work/minsitry and a successful seminary career? I guess I'll never know unless I attempt it. Stay tuned for more...

Groundedness vs. The Tyranny of the Urgent

This past weekend was the first weekend I flew "solo" so to speak - Pentecost Sunday, the birth of the church, the birth of new vision and ministry even though I often wonder along with scholars whether or not Jesus or the first disciples ever really planned on starting something outside of Judaism in the first place. If I were pressed for an answer at the moment, I would have to say that I line up in the camp that doubts an intentional departure, rather a new movement emerged over time due to culture and other influences that cropped up over time.

I've been fully emersed in Church History and Christology for the past week, partially trying to make up work for my Systematics 2 course online. The move and loss of computer for four weeks threw my GPA into a tailspin and I am grateful for my theology professor (Shout out to you Dr. K!) has been willing to let me make it up. In my experience at Fuller, that rarely happens and I think I exhausted all of my grace a couple of years ago when life got unduly hairy for me personally and I had too many balls juggling in the air. That has been a problem that I have had for too long and I am making it one of my primary areas of focus now.

In a way it seems that at the root of the situation was a lack of being grounded. I remember having a Spiritual Director who once had me step into a hula hoop and shared with me that "everything in the hoop is my stuff, everything outside of it is someone elses stuff." Boundaries 101 in a very tangible way. She then had me try to balance while trying to stand in two hula hoops located a distance away from the other. Needless to say it was challenging at best. The past two years have seemed that way for me up and down the board. One priest that I have mentioned in the past in this blog, Christopher, introduced me to the idea of mindfulness from a Christian perspective. Having been immersed in a religious culture that didn't subscribe to that idea, it was like a breath of fresh air had blown through my soul and spirit when I heard it. The challenge has been to really incorporate that idea into my daily life. I tried to make sure that I would have my "quiet time" in the morning, that I would have "Devos" (yep, I was a Campus Lifer can you tell?) at night, bible study group, Sunday School class, etc. but always felt more exhausted than I did grounded. When I became a part of the Episcopal Church, Christopher and others introduced me to the concept of a Rule of Life. I had let that Rule which I created get away from me when I moved to Oregon after realizing that what worked for me in LA wasn't going to work up there.

Funny thing is in this move, the Rule came with me. I found it easy to jump back into it from the start. At the moment, the Rule that I am incorporating into my life kinda looks like this:

Morning Devotional Prayer when I am walking Diva - I use prayer beads to help me focus - you know that "shiny object syndrome" problem I have. I pray one of the oldest and I think most beautiful prayers that I have learned called the Trisagion "Holy God, Holy and Mighty, Holy Immortal, have mercy on us." Four times during the time I stop and I pray (praise for the created day and worship to the Creator God, reflection, confession and dedication of the day, prayers for family, friends and finally my immediate world, the nation and the world universal.) It takes me about a half an hour which means I am not only spending focused time in prayer but also getting a good walk in for both myself and Diva.

Praying the Office: I have to admit that I struggle with making time at night for Evening Prayer and Compline while I am temporarily housed at my Aunts because I don't have a space reserved for this but will soon.

Journaling I've found that this has been some of the most productive time that I've had to this point, until I can find a spiritual director here in the Bay Area, this has been a blessing in disguise. Richard Peace, one of my professors at Fuller demonstrated how to use journaling as a spiritual discipline in his "Pursuit of Wholeness" class and I've been using the time in that manner.

But by far the most important thing has been to take time for me. That means, making sure that I don't skip my Sabbath rest. I'm not a pro at this and I often find myself leaning towards giving that up for school, errands etc. But I am pressing on in keeping the day holy. Will let you know how it goes in the future.

Actually, now that I look at what I am doing, I'm realizing that much of what I am doing emerged out of my time at my parish in Beverly Hills and from the Pursuit of Wholeness class - never saw the connection before. The result so far is that I while life is busy, the demands still present - seminary, a new job, new environment and surroundings - there is a sense of stability...groundedness that is new. It's all new, and I have hopelessly been the type in the past to start something and then let it slide, my prayer is that this time I am willing to put my need(s) for groundedness first before all other things so that I can model what I share with others.

On a side note - I tried transferring my Y membership out here but the only Y close is in Pleasant Hill which is too much of a drag driving and honestly I'd find every excuse in the book not to go to the gym. So I found out that Fuller has a discount at 24Hr Fitness. Signed up this weekend and am having my first of 5 personal training sessions tomorrow afternoon. I got a discount on those sessions figuring that it would be better to have a professional training help me get off to a good start working out after a major back injury than going in halfcocked and injuring myself all over again. I have some paperwork to fill out before then - eating habits, favorite foods, exercise level etc. Talk about making me feel like a total couch potato. I used to move so much more than I did before I started grad school, I need to stop making excuses and do it again - I guess making it a fixed part of my schedule is going to be a non-negotiable item.