Oh my stars....

So I have decided to take the plunge and sign up for a month on eHarmony. Now my friends have had great results - one just was married recently. Another swears that many of her friends and family have been matched successfully. Me? I'm not sure what I have just committed to. In fact, I had buyer's remorse the minute that I hit that little "YES" button to confirm the credit card. So I have at least a month to check this out and see if my aversions to this are unfounded.

I don't know what to think. I don't know. I just don't know. So, if you would like to leave a word of encouragement for me please do. I have not been in the dating world seriously in over 6 years and I feel like I'm back in remedial dating 101 classes.

No Subject. Just Life. Really.

I guess the title of this entry says it all. Nothing really falls into a catgory. I'm just sharing about my life. Really. That's all. Work is going well, I'm so glad to have a SP on board. Such a refreshing change. It's been interesting for me that with this new change there has been this bit of cautiousness that has risen up within me. I knew that it was related to my field ed experience. It took a bit of time to work through some of the apprehension and realize that I am not in the same environment, the clergy person that I am working with now has a very different style of leadership than my previous one. That I am respected here by leadership. But it was still this really bizarre experience when I was having that initial conversation with S and he brings out this file folder with the internship package info in it that I gave our EP. There was the part of me that literally wanted to dodge the subject all together. He was actually positive about the possibility of mentoring me. We've had some great conversations since his arrival and during his time as Interim. While I may be more fluid in my ministry praxis - we have a great meeting of the minds. And what I appreciate more than anything is his openness to consider (not necessarily agree) with new ways to look at something. He wants to engage with his staff and that is so refreshing on many levels.

The reality is that I just don't want to be burned again in this whole ordination process. It's not happening here but I am waiting for that "shoe to drop" feeling. Someone once said that it is normal to experience that type of expectation when you've had a significant loss in your life. So I just continue to do what I have learned to remind myself that life doesn't always play out the way you think it will - sometimes it's GOOD! The good news - the apprehension departed within a day. A record for me.

I feel as though I am once again in this deep growth place spiritually. I'm coming to terms with some residual crud related to my perfectionism again. I started seminary again the last week of September. Already it's week 4 and midterms are here. I have a lot of reading in my Gospels class, and it isn't easy always an easy read. We're tackling two books by N.T. Wright and the Introductory Text book by Achtemier, Green and Thompson, and an exegetical methods book by Michael Gorman. I'm finding I can't breeze through reading these days. I'm making notes in the margins and really trying to improve my comprehension which seems to very low than I care. The fact that it seems to take more concentration frustrates me and lo and behold kicks in that "I am willing to do whatever I need to go get that A." I know that the grade doesn't validate who I am as an individual. That comes from who I am in God. Yet I have come to the conclusion that grades do matter to me. They are more important to me than I realized. It is a sense of accomplishment when I can achieve an A. What is interesting here at the Menlo Park campus is that the pressure on grades isn't as much as it was in Pasadena. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that there are so many going on to PhD's and the extension campus doesn't have that option. It just seems that here there isn't that edge of competition and expectation that everyone brings their A game here. I had to laugh because the other night in Greek someone shared that for many here "C=M.Div" In my world a C=F=why bother? Needless to say that I am finding myself passing on outings with friends, trips to the City to stay home and study. Will it be worth it in the long run? You betcha. Just sucks occassionally.

S's installation is coming up in a week. It's much different in style and tone than one I previously was part of. That one was full of pomp and circumstance. It sometimes felt as those we were attending a coronation. This one is about 180 degrees different. Very reverential, simple, humble. No pomp. Some circumstances. Building Bridges is over - another incredible weekend. Even our childcare kids did more service projects this year than last. They carved out pumpkins and cut/arranged flowers creating centerpieces for the dinner tables at our Saturday night celebration. I posted a couple of pictures above - hopefully I can figure out how to center them - don't know what happened but oh well.

Today was one of those days where I really missed my long time friends. I miss not calling my newly married friends to hear about what is up. They're in nesting mode and I don't want to disturb them having been married 3 and 4 weeks ago respectively. Facebook has been terrific in connecting me back with friends from college, high school and LA - and I guess it just makes it rough when you wish you could just drive over, walk across the breeze way or down the block and see them. One friend in particular M, I'm missing more now after chatting with her for the first time in months. We're planning to connect when they fly out to Disneyland in December. I had the flight scheduled within 15 minutes of reading her email with the dates they were going to be there. And my vacation request in as well! Of course, it didn't help much that I watched the "Sex in the City" movie the other night with my roommate D. I was completely surprised at what a great job they did with it. And I missed the girl's nights we used to have in L.A. and at the Oregon Coast. I wouldn't trade SF and what I am doing for anything but wish there was a way I could have my cake and eat it too when it comes to location and close friends. And of course the theme of what you'll do when you love not just "in love" with someone made me seriously consider eHarmony - but where do you pencil in a relationship between work and seminary? Is there a way to have a healthy, loving relationship, satisfaction in work/minsitry and a successful seminary career? I guess I'll never know unless I attempt it. Stay tuned for more...

Farewell my friend...

Jane E. Rowan
Feb. 27, 1948 to July 26, 2008

The news came Friday night as I was out in the City on a "Girl's Night Out." Jane, who I had asked for prayer back in February, had taken another turn for the worse. This time, the email said - it looked as though she would not make it through the night.

In the morning, when it appeared she had made it through my desire to believe that being the strong willed, "prove you all wrong" type of a person she was, she would show us all wrong and bounce back from this bout as well.

At around 8 p.m. that night my phone rang.

I knew who would be on the other end of the phone. I knew what she'd be telling me.

And I didn't want to hear it.

Jane passed at 6:47 p.m. Saturday July 26th. She was a gifted artist, writer, jack of all trades. Her pilgrimage on this earth was ecclectic - full of experiences, places, people and things that were wonderful and delightful in unique ways. One of the most incredible experiences that I remember from her was her journey and discovery of her birth mom and family. In the winter of 2006 I met her birth mom and sisters at her adopted mom's memorial service in Shelton, WA. Listening to their stories of finding and being found were amazing.

I'm still reeling from this. Not in an over emotional way, more shell shocked I guess. Of all the people who would battle something like this, I really believed she'd be the one to fly the finger in its face and prove doctors, hospitals and care centers all wrong.

Here's to you Jane. Myself and the other Mags will miss you dearly in this world. May you find yourself wrapped in the light and love of the Eternal Creator now and always.

Sunday Reflection - 525,600 minutes

525,600 minutes,
525,000 moments so dear.
525,600 minutes - how do you measure, measure a year?

In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life?

How about love?
Measure in love. Seasons of love.

525,600 minutes!
525,000 journeys to plan.
525,600 minutes - how can you measure the life of a woman or man?

In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned, or the way that she died.
It’s time now to sing out,
tho the story never ends
let's celebrate remember a year in the life of friends.

Remember the love! Measure in love. Seasons of love.

This past Thursday marked the one year point back in the Bay Area. It really has been a fresh start in many ways. I find myself on a regular basis using all the discoveries that I've made over the past in my daily life. I knew several years ago it was time to invite God into some of the more deeper areas of my life experience and seek some real, permanant healing. I didn't know at the onset how deep some of the wounds were. Never connected some of the quirks that I had developed with the reason they originated in the first place. Then, once I made the discovery it was learning how to become aware of when/how my buttons were pushed. And boundaries - lots of boundary work. It has been the quintessential "Romans 7" experience of recovery.

I share that because this year has been such a refreshing year. The year that things are beginning to make sense - where I can see the benefit of having gone through all the muck to have moments like I am now. So how do I measure the year in my life?

*In new vision, renewed purpose/passion
*In being stretched and discovering I won't break
*In learning that it is good to ask for help
*In quiet moments, cups of coffee and reflection
*In the gift of long time friendships, and the promise of new ones *In realizing that it isn't "all about me"
*In not buying into the lies of my past
*In seeing God take a vision and start laying the foundation
*In the sense of calm and contentment
*In discovering that God continually is giving me all I need
*In stronger boundaries
*In learning when to speak and when to be quiet
*In understanding the power of speaking blessings

Yesterday I had an opportunity to not revert back to my former actions. I'm a perfectionist at heart, and don't like when things go wrong that are outside of my ability to "fix". When a situation with a vendor rose up a few weeks ago, I began to obsess about it, and realized that it was hitting on one of those old beliefs - that I don't like disappointing people. I let it eat at me for half an hour and then looked at the situation, the options and did what I could to rectify things on my end, communicating to the person where my limits were. In response the person sent me an email this morning telling me how much they appreciated me.

Had I allowed myself to get worked up about the situation to the extent that I have in the past, I would have missed out on the lessons learned this week. Instead, I had a chance to see the positives that have happened in ministry this year, recognize what I have done that is blessing others. See the relationships that have begun, and the ministry relationships that I am developing - and the new friendships that God has blessed me with. And at the end of the day I realize that it is really all about relationships, all about love and all about God working in us in ways we'd never conceive once give permission to move the furniture.

And you thought you've carved big pumpkins!

Here are some pics that I snapped last weekend at the Half Moon Bay Pumpkin festival. I remember going to this when I was a kid and just loving the experience. A few weeks ago I saw a documentary on "Giant Pumpkin Growing Contests" on PBS which totally fascinated me. I guess that is what you get when you watch PBS when you are bored on a Sunday afternoon. Anyway, it made me remember about the Pumpkin Festival and the fact that they were having the weigh in contest for the great pumpkin the monday before the festival began. I didn't make it to the weigh in on my day off but I sure did have fun on that Saturday!


As usual, there was traffic congestion on the freeway out there. However what is normally around a 45 minute to an hour trip took over 2.5 hours to get there.



The scenery was beautiful - look at how the huge trees create such a canopy to drive under. We had three days of rain which for Northern California is a lot at one time at this point in the season. Yet Friday evening the skies began to clear up and the weekend was incredibly beautiful and warm. Didn't even need a jacket at the coast as I thought I would.



Almost there - the longest 2 miles that I remember.


The pumpkin fields and stands begin to show up just outside of Half Moon Bay. Boy where they festive!



Here are some pictures of the "great" pumpkin that came in at 1543 pounds and this guy who carves two giant pumpkins each year at the festival. This is the one that he was nearly done with as of 2 p.m. on Saturday.

Happy Happy Joy Joy

Jericho has been renewed for a mid-season replacement! After an incredible "bring em back" campaign waged by the viewers of Jericho (a series based on the premise of what life would be like after the detonation of multiple nuclear bombs within the continental USA through the eyes of people living in Jericho, KS) bombarded CBS Execs with peanuts which was a tag line in the season finale episode uttered by Gerald McRaney prior to his untimely death in the ending moments of the ep. People decided to send bags of peanuts to CBS in protest of pulling the series off after what appeared to be an incredible cliff hanger episode. This afternoon CBS has announced that it will be bringing Jericho back for at least 7 eps and possibly more, looking at ways to enlarge the fanbase through the release of the first season on DVD to rerunning the series this summer. That could work, it was how I got into LOST during the first season.

There aren't too many series that I drop everything for, or TiVo regularly - but Jericho and LOST are the two that are "must watch" with UGLY BETTY running a close third. Kudos to the fans for keeping this one alive. Keep your word CBS...there are more peanuts waiting to be sent if need be.