So...did you miss me?

If there was anyone reading this blog, they have more than likely evaporated into the unknown recesses of cyberspace. It's been nearly 8 months since my last post - weeks after my "cardiac event." And I am just now really understanding what has happened and how it is changing my life.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in her magnificent work on grieving listed the seven stages of grief and loss. Here, in a nutshell is the "7 stages and how I've lived through them" over the past months.

Stage 1 - SHOCK and DENIAL:
Driving yourself to the ER is a sure sign that you are in denial. Even if the Regional Medical Center is less than 2 blocks away from your office. Sitting upright on a gurney in the ER Triage as the heart attack hits its crescendo only saying "ow...ow...something's happening." is denial. Pretending that you can get back to work 2 and a half weeks after said event and go to class and live life as normal is denial.

Stage 2 - PAIN and GRIEF:
You go from complete polar opposites - having NOT paid attention to any signs that your body was BLARING at you for months (if not years) to being aware of every tiny little beat of your heart. Deep remorse sets in as you realize that the dreams of being a marathon runner are now 86'd permanantly - heck who was I kidding in the first place? LOST has less twists and turns as you begin to get a grip on what just happened. You know that you're supposed to be changing your life and like a newly saved individual in your first of many "come to Jesus" moments the contents of your tiny shelf and frig become the homeless' feast du jour. Candies - gone. Crisps...gone. Eggs and red meat - gone. And so on and so on until your frig and pantry is worthy of Richard Simmons dropping in and doing a full on inspection!

Stage 3 - ANGER and BARGAINING:
The first trip to the grocery store on your own, after those incredibly wonderful meals from the people at your church are over is a sure sign that something's brewing. Of course, what's the first thing that catches your eyes? All the stuff that you have just sworn off religiously. Suddenly the bakery calls out with its earthy and sultry wonderfulness. There is this small ball of yuck growing in you as the anger beast beats down denial long enough for you to realize you're not in Kansas anymore. And it keeps on growing from there. Anger can be therapeutic - ask me how many glasses and plates have "accidently" broken of late? Go on-ask! Sigmund Freud surely would have a hey day with that! So after realizing that you're not able at the moment to completely restock the kitchen with the latest and greatest from Crate and Barrel the bargaining peeks in and in it's glory recreates your favorite "Deal or No Deal" episode. Do you take a bite of the forbidden fruit or hang onto what is in the suitcase which could be a million bucks? Hmmm. What will you do?

Stage 4- DEPRESSION, REFLECTION, LONLINESS:

Gloom, dispair and agony on me;
Deep dark depression, excessive misery.
If it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all-
Gloom, dispair and agony on me.

That...I think sums it all up nicely.

Stage 5 - THE UPWARD TURN:

Poor Shelley Winters didn't have an upward turn on the Posseidon, but you do! You see a tiny bit of sunshine in your day as the clothes start to fit loser and you're actually able to make it through a cardiac rehab class without feeling like your chest is going to explode. Could this be the morning after?

Stage 6 - RECONSTRUCTION and WORKING THROUGH:

Whining is now a daily habit. You whine at how many pills you take. Whine at how much you "can't" eat, you whine about...oh wait - isn't that ANGER lurking around? Bad Anger - Bad, Bad, Bad! NO SOUP FOR YOU! Life ain't the bowl of chocolate moose track ice cream with crackle hard topping that you hoped it would be post event. Nope - it's worse! YIPPEE!! All your cracks are showing - and others are seeing them as well. Of course, let's just admit they saw them all the time now they are taking you up on the request to hold you accountable and gosh darn it - they love you! They really love you! Life begins to be a game of chutes and ladders as you start to think you've figured something out and quickly realize that you belong in the remedial class for heart patients. It seems like you're living your own groundhog day and can't seem to get back to your happy place. Oh wait - it's now DENIAL showing up again!!! Good grief! Sniff...Sniff...Sniff - you blubber for your old life, for your fun life, for your "it's got to be better than this" life. And when you've had enough of the pity party you climb off the throne and start to figure out just what everyone has been telling you for years. And you ask the all important question: "if they are still telling you the same thing post 'event' does that mean you still have yet to figure it out?" (Short answer - Yes.)

Stage 7 - ACCEPTANCE and HOPE:

So life has given you a second chance. Really, the Creator has let you ride the merrie-go-round of life one more ride. Maybe even more! Your ears are finally starting to listen to what your heart has been telling you all along - one beat at a time. Leave juggling balls to the pros - life has an absolute number of balls that one can have in the air at all times. Spend time smelling the roses - heck plant a few and learn how to take care of them. Remember the 12 steps, the golden rule, all the stuff you learned in Kindergarten. Eventually you'll get the hang of things as long as you remember you're not the one in the driver's seat. Oh yes and the most important tip of all - breathe.

What the huh????

The holiday season went well. It was incredibly busy but a very good. Here's a brief recap-

Our drama "A Gift for Clara" was wonderfully received. The children did a wonderful job at proclaiming God's love and desire to fill the empty spaces of our hearts and lives. I learned a lot from the experience - mainly that there is much to know about the background details in a church that is technically saavy. The churches that I have been working at have grown in their technical sophistication. From the South Pasadena Episcopal Church which we had nothing technical at all during my internship there - I think the Rector was blessed with an over the ear mic my last few months there - but no video/recording or lighting etc. to speak of; to the church in Oregon which had some lighting and technical (sound) stuff but was not set up to do productions to my current Church. Here our tech booth upstairs is awash in serious sound and lighting boards, video cameras, DVD and CD recording and duplicating objects and at least two different montitors projecting or tracking what is on the two jumbo screens in the Sanctuary. It's amazing. I wish I had a picture at the moment of the tech board but alas I don't. The response from the community and kids was positive and we are looking at ways to incorporate more drama in the future as an outreach ministry to the community. But I have to say again our parents' commitment to the ministry and to the project was phenomenal. From our volunteer director/producer/choreographer couple to the people who pitched in to help with costumes, wrangling, etc. There was much that I didn't know that needed to be involved and now have a good idea of a pre-production list/accounting that will get us off on the right foot next time.

Moving directly into the Christmas Season from Clara came our Family Christmas Eve Service which was well received. I had wanted to do several stations and backed away from that after talking with some people who thought it was a bit "scary" to do - and later was told by my SP that if I have been given the authority to construct a service to go ahead and move in the direction that I am envisioning. Quelle Freedom! We had the entire service done primarily with children and youth - from our worship leaders, readers, object lesson presenter (a college guy who work/interns with our youth on breaks) to a special presentation of the christmas story by Linus Van Pelt of Peanuts fame. I shared a small message aimed at both parents and children and we concluded with a "christmas story in a bag" station which had children come forward and put together objects into a bag which they in turn could tell the christmas story to another person the next day. Next year - watch out we may be into something very different....

School ended the day before Clara and I was plagued by massive problems with my computer. I had pulled up the saved and completed paper only to need the gift of interpretation of tongues if I wanted to translate. Gobble, pure gobble. Nothing could convert it back to any version of English so I had to wind up rewriting and submitting it late knocking my A paper down to a horrid C. And bringing my overall grade down to a C as well. And to think that I had a B+ average going into the final and paper. Oh well...

Then - the drama began. My mom came into town the day before the performance and promptly began to suffer back pain and I had to eventually admit her into the ER and hospital for pain management. The goal was to have my sister fly down, care for mom (she's an RN) and then together fly back to Portland but within a day or two after discharge we realized that she was not going to be able to fly and my BiL drove down to escort the two back home between snow storms. She's doing better now, still struggling with some pain but that apparantly will take time to work its way out.

With all that drama out of my world I attempted to relax and rest prior to starting school again. I picked up my exercise - moving towards getting healthy enough to run a 10K in the summer and managed to drop some weight during the holidays - not much but some. One of my resolutions or goals for the year had to do with finding out what it was going to take to really connect me back with loosing weight. I had done it in the past, and successfully I might add. Yet gained 5/8 of the weight back when I ceased exercising and lost sight of portions. I was working out with a trainer/PT and feeling better than I had - though really tired and exhausted all the time.

Then after a good work out the day before, I woke up two weeks ago with a pain across my back -traps, lats, obliques. Just what my PT told me to expect. But the darn pain didn't seem to go away, it just seemed to increase over the day to the point I was apologizing to a fellow CM leader who came to visit about my having to keep stretching during the conversation. After cutting the meeting short, I decided to go home and sleep it off thinking my body was just recouping from the witner and new schedule it was on. But the dull ache in my teeth just didn't seem right and I drove the 1/2 block from work to the ER thinking it was just strained muscles.

Ha!

The pain in my jaw got worse from the car to the ER, and then I began to get short of breath. I used the two magic words in triage "chest pain" and was immediately brought in and strapped up to monitors, IV's etc. Still hurt but was ok for about an hour when I really began to hurt...

You know that you're in trouble city when the nurses eyes get big and all of a sudden cardiologists and radiologists are swarming your bed. And then you start hearing stats that match your description and the word "ICU" being used in the same sentence. So obviously - I'm not going anywhere and began to call and cancel my speaking engagement for the next day, a couple of meetings and letting work know I'm not going to be in the next day and send some Elder's over please to pray.

What the huh?!!!???!! I suffered a heart attack. And had angioplasty the next day to clear a blocked artery.

I'm way too young to be doing this S*#T! Way too young to be watching a cardiology team put pieces of metal into my heart to prop up an artery. And while I am incredibly thankful for technology, and medication and knowledge and especially incredible HEALTH INSURANCE (thanks EPC and my church) it's a major slap in the face.

So the good news. God answered my prayer. You remember the one that I mentioned about what it was going to take to get me focused to loose the weight and make better life choices? Found it. Not necessarily what I would have liked but I do appreciate the irony in the entire experience. Already 10 pounds are off the body in two weeks and I am slowly moving back into the world - with a new perspective on what a reasonable schedule DOESN'T look like. I've been spending the past week organzing, and purging all over the house - as though it is an emotional response to the need to reorder my life. And spending lots of time exploring how to rebuild a new rhthym in my spiritual life because obviously what I had was broken.

So here is the thing - I look at many people in ministry and we have many of the same qualities - especially in Children's and Youth Ministry:

*We are often great nurturers and caretakers - sometimes to a fault;
*We like a good challenge and excel at seeing things accomplished;
*We take a lot of work onto our plate setting an example for those who work with us;
*We may be a "mellow" type A but we are type A's at heart;
*We expect a lot from ourselves;
*We balance too many balls in the air;
*We care for everyone else and put our own health and wellness at the bottom of the list;
*We may not have the funds to regularly see medical professionals, or care for our physical health;
*We will schedule out time for exercise, rest, family time but then let the cares of people and ministry impede;
*Many of us are overweight;
*We are more Martha's than Mary's

Craig Jutila in an article this past year addressed his departure from Saddleback Children's Ministry to focus on his health and wellness and that of his family. In that article he shared how he thrived on ministry and used that sense of success and achievement to feed his soul and emotional needs. Sometimes to the extent that his family was shut out of portions of his life. After a considerable time of refelction Craig did an amazing thing and left Saddleback, choosing to focus on recovery. Now back in ministry in a new project (successfully, I might add)he is attempting to take back parts of his life that the "ministry monster" devoured.

How many of us fall in this trap? Whether you are in ministry or not we daily are forced to make decisions for our family. Do you put the kids in yet one more sports or after school activity? Take the promotion knowing that it means even more time away from the family, travel and late nights? Push ourselves to achieve that A even if it means we suffer sleep deprivation while balancing work. We lose sight of what it means to be the one who sits at the feet of Jesus. Soaking in his presence. Basking in the love of the Spirit.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Is it a result of our brokenness? Sin? Unrealistic expectations?

I return to work next Tuesday and church on Sunday. There will be 300 pairs of eyes watching every move that I make, every morsel that I put into my mouth. I know by virtue of my position that I will be in the fishbowl during my rehab and recovery. And you know what? I welcome the attention as difficult as it will be. It gives me an opportunity to model and live out an attempt to conform my life, my passions, my appetites more close to God's desire that we be health and prosper as our soul prospers. And in the end, I hope that it will be a sense of encouragement to others that they too, can find balance and wholeness in the midst of the cacaphony which attempts to drag us from our true focus and calling.

Instead of Christmas as usual....

Consider doing something different. An alternative to the same old/same old.

Consider how your contribution of time, talent and treasure in ways other than presents can impact more lives than the receiver of a gift that will wear out, break down and eventually be tossed aside.

It's worth the consideration.

Montecito Fire

Please keep praying for the Santa Barbara/Montecito area as they are battling the many fires burrning. A member of my ministry team just stopped by and updated me from her son that several Westmont Faculty members have lost their homes, two dorms have burnt down and one or two class buildings as well. There have been numerous fire companies here in the East Bay that have been dispatched down to the area to assist.

A friend (Thanks Britta) let me know early this morning that Mt. Calvary Retreat House and Monastery had burnt down. For many in the Los Angeles area, this place was a spiritual sanctuary. Built in the 20's and 30's, Mt. Calvary was purchased by the Order of the Holy Cross after its designers/owners suffered great losses in the depression. It contained a beautiful garden tended to by Brother William, two cottages where Brother Roy did calligraphy and Brother Joe created gorgeous iconography. A stone labyrinth graced all outdoors as well as vistas that made you feel like you were far removed from the urban landscape of LA.

For me Mt. Calvary held a very special place - it was one of the places where my spiritual life was resurrected after a long, dark dry spell. Two retreats in particular that I participated in taught me about servanthood and the need in my life for humility. I discovered and embraced spiritual disciplines of contemplative prayer, a rule of life and simplicity which are still a regular part of my spiritual life. In fact they are almost like oxygen to my spirit as I so often tire of the evangelical, purpose driven fodder that is passed off as spirituality in much of the church world. It was the place where I went after my dad died as I waited to head down to his funeral. The place where key decisions related to receiving my call took place. This past April, I took a larger step and became an Assoicate at Mt. Calvary - committing to support its work/ministry/life any way that I am able.

It is interesting to me how/where our sacred spaces are in the world. This was one of mine. I grieve that many will need to wait until it is rebuilt to encounter what many of us have experienced. I'm thankful for the role it's played in my world. And continue to pray for it daily as I look at the pictures of my last trip there in April daily in my office.

With a little help from my friends

It's Sunday night and I'm sitting in a LaQuinta Inn hotel room in Fresno, CA. This is the final pit stop on the "couch trip express." I am finding it hard to believe that after tomorrow, I'll be back in the real world again. And - looking forward to my next vacation in June.

Here are a few of the highlights:


I've never been called "grandma" before!: P, my best friend's little boy (age 5 1/2) shared in his J-Kindergarten class that he thought his grandma was coming to visit him that afternoon. Wow, now I know that I must look old to a 5 year old! He now has the distinct privilege of being the only person anywhere on the face of the earth who can call me grandma and live!

How fast time flies: It's hard to believe that P's sister M has just turned 8. She is becoming a darling little girl who is intelligent, sensitive, funny and athletic. Her passion is gymnastics and I marvel at the way that she moves her body so effortlessly on and off of a balance beam.

Friends: My former Rector in Beverly Hills told me that the relationships that I make in seminary would last a lifetime. Fuller has given me an opportunity to cross paths with so many - and there are 5 in particular that I can't imagine not having them a part of my world. This past week I was able to catch up with them. We had a great dinner Thursday night at my friend E's new home - she and her fiance R just purchased a home and we all had a chance to catch up there. Two of the group introduced us to their new significant others and the others (me that is!) enjoyed the introduction.

pampering is in: I finally used the last of the spa coupons that I have been saving since 2004 - yes you read correctly. Thursday I had a mini spa morning with a massage, mani/pedi and the Langham (former Ritz Carlton in Pasadena). The grounds are gorgeous, the time and quiet sublime and there's that little girl that all women have that loved to be pampered and have her nails done. On Saturday I took N back to the hotel for high tea. While we were there we had a chance to watch an outdoor wedding on the back lawn of the hotel - with a couple of my friends marrying this year I'm once again caught up in the news and pre wedding plans of friends. Two pots of tea, a wide variety of treats later we left happy and pampered.

Unexpected Surprises: ASL Story Time at the Deaf West Theatre in Hollywood. My friend E is taking certification courses in ASL and I got to tag along while she completed an assignment. Signed by a member of the Theatre, Rainbow Fish, Peter Rabbit and Wonderful Nature, Wonderful You were signed for both hearing and non hearing children and adults. Watching the dance between the spoken and unspoken word was beautiful to watch, especially as hearing impaired children had a chance to participate in something as simple as sharing a story together.

Griffith Park: My friend S surprised me this morning by taking me to lunch and then time at the Griffith Park Observatory. It had been closed for several years for major refurbishing and retrofitting and I guess opened up again last year. I can't wait to post the pics. The new presentation that the observatory has "Centered in the Universe" is a beautiful mixture of music, sight, sound and story woven together in a way that engages the audience in the quest for what lies outside of the world that we know. With hands on demonstrations and some incredible new exhibits it is worth the visit - especially when the only admission ($7) is for the presentation.

Good Friends: I lived in LA for over 14 years and there are two women in particular who I consider good friends. J, is the mom of P and M, my former roommate. We still have the ability to return to "roommate speak", finishing or saying the same thing at exactly the same time. S is a creative, passionate woman who enjoys life. 3 years is too long not to see each other, yet the test of friendship I guess can be that we pick up without missing a beat when we're together, no matter how much time has passed.

Well, it's after midnight, and I am going to pack it in for now. Tomorrow/today I am going to the cemetary to take care of my dad's grave and hopefully take a drive along the blossom trail which should be beautiful this time of year. It's been over five years since I've been in the city and I am curious to see how much it's changed. Then it's home to my little Diva Dog, my awesome roommie who has been taking care of her all week and life as usual.

"You Can Come to My Birthday Party"

Building Bridges was an incredible experience. I have never seen a group of people (both volunteer staff and our teams) work so well together and so hard. We sent out over 150 individuals throughout the San Ramon Valley to do everything from clearing trails, painting ball walls and cleaning yards to staying behind and packing care packages for troops in Iraq/Afghanistan and making lunches/cooking dinner here at church. This is a HUGE deal I discovered throughout the day. The logistics were amazing. The planning goes beyond what I was seeing/listening as we met throughout the summer and into the Fall. It really is true that you have to witness something sometimes to get a good perspective on what it really takes to pull off an event such as this successfully. There were some great moments out of the weekend. Our children had their own program at church while their parents were out serving. Our project was drawing/designing Christmas cards for the troops. And they were precious. We narrated the cards with what the children wanted to say to them. Before we had them get working on the cards we took them to the staging area where the boxes were packed, had them see some pictures of soldier whose mom's are part of the Blue Star Moms and showed them where their cards were going. It really helped I think for them to see what they were doing. Too often kids (and adults) do things in a vacuum never really understanding where their contribution fits into the entire picture. The comments/thoughts of the kids were precious. The Blue Star Moms were sharing that one of the ones that touched their hears was "You can come to my birthday party." Talk about pulling on heart strings. To a child celebrating is a part of life - and what a better wish to send to an individual in the line of fire than a prayer that they could come and celebrate life with them back stateside. It is beyond words.

We ended the weekend Sunday with a celebration service at church. The middle of the church was given tables for people to sit around and chairs were still available for those not at tables. A member of our community is currently in hospital and a giant hot pink card was passed from person to person being signed for them. There were such demonstrations of love from each of these people. You can tell how much this person-who is such a dynamic part of the community-is truly missed and cared for.

I have to say from a personal perspective, that I really think we need to consider as individuals who plan what a worship experience looks like - ways to encourage community and relationship building within church services. So much of what we do on Sunday mornings is relegated to an individualistic experience. It takes a great amount of intentionality to incorporate people communicating and talking with each other, hearing about their spiritual journeys into a worship service. What a gift we would be giving each of us if we could be vulnerable and open to both the Spirit and each other in the context of a worship experience? Coffee Hour after service just isn't the same. I saw something happen when the tables were set down. When people shared their experiences. When children and families and small groups were sitting around those tables in prayer and worship together. It was an entirely different atmosphere that rose up and took over. It was celebration, which is what we are exhorted to do throughout the pages of Scripture. What an invitation that could be - to invite people whose lives are really unknown to all but the Creator to celebrate, just as one of our children invited a soldier to their celebration. What kind of an impact could that have in the life of a church?

Catching Up...

I looked at the calendar this morning and it said "October 4th." What happened to the rest of September? And ack - someone the other day said that there were only 86 days until Christmas? NOOOOO - you can't do that to me yet! These are the days and months that I personally wish that God might stretch out time a bit like oh I don't know the sun stopping for Joshua perhaps?

The past two weeks have been incredibly productive. With the school year kick off done, and some leadership and management skills in place that I've been focusing on this summer I'm finding that I have moved into a predictable, orderly pattern of ministry once again. Here are some highlights of the past two weeks:

The entire church staff collectively used our Monday day off to come in and work on areas of the church that we normally don't get to. My friend/coworker Tina and I worked on the resource room - boxing up about 3 years of curriculum and storing it freeing nearly two lateral file cabinets for materials. We now have a resource room for teachers and children's ministry staff that is being filled with things like props, musicals/videos/DVDs/tapes, books, games and extra toys and art materials. And there is room for future growth. Complete with a table and other things we have a place where people can come in, browse, read without having things fall on them. We also were able to pull together the larger storage closet later in the week. I am amazed at what we own in the ministry! Enough materials to dress plenty of kids in biblical costumes and Christmas programs, extra materials from parties, VBS' etc. that are wonderful. Sports equipment like high quality tumbling mats, plenty of ball pit balls, carnival items etc.

I finished the recruiting for the Fall this week and will be filling up the last holes by tomorrow it looks like. Yeah God! This week I'm ordering curriculum for the winter and beginning to get that ready for my prep teams even earlier than before! I ordered our Christmas Sunday special curriculum for Sunday School - we're doing "Bethlehem Village" and will be gathering the event team to start working on that as well!

The nursery is up and running - we were this close to having closed circuit television for the services in the room and found out when we moved the tv from the toddler/2's space to the nursery 4 feet killed the reception so a tech guru from church is working on the problem. This week we had 3 babies in the room so mom's are slowly working at becoming comfortable with letting the babies go during service.

This week is "Crazy Hair Day" at church. We're celebrating how we are uniquely created by God and wearing our hair in a wide variety of ways - also a great excitement and community building event with little outlay. I think I spent $6 bucks on hair goo and stuff. The preschool through 3rd grade are coming with their hair decked out and the 4th/5th graders are doing their hair (and mine!) in class.

WoW begins again this Sunday after a two month hiatus and we're looking forward to it! The team has expanded by 2 people and I can't wait to see what God does this year.

God has brought a group of people forward who want to resurrect Bible Quiz Bowl and some sort of music for the children on a more regular basis. I'm so blessed that everytime I begin to pray for an individual for a ministry, someone shares their passion and we connect them into ministry! THIS is the lesson that I learned from past experiences and now that I have built some more intentionality and focus through mentoring experiences I am seeing the fruit begin to blossom on the vine. It's a blessing - I know that it will pay off in the long run for this ministry.

Last week was a swim party for our tween group Zoom Zone - we had a patch of really cold (by No Cal standards) couple of weeks and temps dipped into the low 70's with a day or so of rain - what my Texas friend would call "spitting" but rain for Californians. I told the kids they better start praying and they did, congratulating themselves and God on pulling a warming trend with near 90 degree weather last week letting the swim party go forward! We have a small group of kids so the numbers we had were a good sign - about a 40% class turnout of kids who didn't have practices or games. Tonight is our first monthly meeting "Game Night." We start with dinner for the first hour (tonight is "spaghetti a la MJ" ) and then will be doing group games such as Human Bowling, Cookie Monster (eating oreo's off of an upright surface), blanket races, cup stacking introduction. We'll end with a devotional that I haven't finished yet so no posting until then! I received an email from a parent this morning as follows:

Jeanette,
Well, you have done a great job of promoting Zoom Zone, because ____ was distraught at the thought of not attending this month's meeting. We've agreed to give him a "pass" on soccer practice and allow him to be there. That level of motivation to attend a church function should be rewarded!

Nice email to come into the office to I might add!


And finally, we're focusing on raising more awareness on our missions projects. We're raising $250 by Christmas to purchase livestock (goats) for Macedonian Outreach and then a quarter towards Heifer project (chicken and bees) and finally the last quarter towards water for a well - a new development per a connection I found out about yesterday. In three weeks the children have purchased one goat and are about 12.00 shy of a second one. It's rewarding to see them once again excited about this and having a growing understanding about tithing.

Well, that's it for now. Pics of the pool party and crazy hair day coming!

756...Staff Devotions and Romans 12

Wow is all I can say. The crowd cheering, the crack of the bat, the absolute anticipation of witnessing that ball going out of the park and into the stands. Finally we have the record broken.

I was not quite 11 when Hank Aaron broke Babe Ruth's record. I still remember my dad and I rivited to the TV waiting for that moment to happen. Now all "grown up" I still had that same moment of child like excitement last night when you realized that a previous record was shattered. It will be interesting to watch if A-Rod can make 757 before his retirement which I hope won't be anytime in the near future.The City is celebrating!

I wonder if we find time to celebrate the milestones in our lives - the ones where we recognize that God has been at work in our lives and we're just now experiencing that a-ha moment when we recognize something is changing within us. Celebrating the milestones in our lives both individually and as a community are important. They allow us to see where God has been at work in our lives; providing us with a reality-check of sorts where we can see that we are truly being transformed. This morning in staff meeting we shared on Romans 12 and the idea that Spirit is constantly at work in our lives transforming us not so we can sit back and applaud our change but to live out that transformation in the world about us. It's in the giving out that we discover where God is checking us.

It's been a busy few weeks. I will have been a part of this new community for 2 months on the 15th and they have been incredibly blessed.

VBS has been grinding out since before I came aboard. We have two of the most talented and gifted women chairing it this year. So far we're pushing close to 100 children with a good portion coming from the community. I'm heading up the preschool program and have 6 adults and a couple of youth coming in to help with the action. This past weekend we had our large "donation/borrow" wall hanging up with all the items we hope would be donated so our costs will be reduced. As of Sunday afternoon when I left church we had all but 16 slips responded to. Posters are being painted, bigger donated items are coming in. Creekside Community Church and St. Joan of Arc have graciously offered to share props and sets with us. You see - THIS is how the Body should be working together!

TAILGATE Next Sunday night we're having a tailgating party complete with a screening of Disney's Cars. Children's Ministries is setting up a painting table where kids can paint a wooden car and then enter it into a mini "car show" where they will all get ribbons. People are very excited about it and we're expecting a great turn out of families.

SUMMER SUNDAYS Summer continues to crank out - we're completely covered for the summer staff and met the goal that I had set of having the last space filled by then end of June! June 27 was the day that I penciled in the final person.

FALL PLANS It's July and I am well into planning for the Fall. Thankfully the individuals who were watching over the fort prior to my arrival left an incredibly detailed calendar of what they hoped they would do for the year and when to start things. I'm taking a look at the calendar and trying to see how everything will fit together. In the meantime, I'm already getting individuals signed up for Fall teaching spots. Our new Parent Round Table will be meeting on August 26th for the first time and I am praying that we'll get a wonderful response from individuals specifically with regards to the curriculum review group. There's an entire post coming later this week in regards to curriculum....

WEBSITE I've never worked on content in a website before, and recently took a stab at the very basic forms of WYSIWYG web update. You can check it out at www.srpc.org look for the children's ministries pages. There's much more that I want to do with regards to the pages - really redesign the entire look of them but that will take an incredible amount of time and some talented IT people to make it happen. But for right now, the pages are updated and added to and I am receiving some great feedback already on the look which proves that people do look at church websites! I've begun posting the class summaries as well on the page - updating them weekly so parents can encourage friends to check out what we're teaching and also possibly refer back to it for conversations during the week.

MISSIONS My heart is being drawn to helping the children this coming year connect with the world around them. This community is incredibly missions focused and that is a blessing in disguise. This summer we are having missionaries visit our classes and share with the kids about life in their parts of the world through games, stories, slides and food. Our next missionary family is coming this Sunday to share. Our offerings for children's ministries are abysmal, so this coming Fall we're kicking off a year long project to raise money for animals through Macedonian Outreach and also Heifer Project. I'm knocking around how we can incorporate Old MacDonald's Farm or better yet Noah's Ark (Acts of Random Kindness) from Evan Almighty to get kids involved. If anyone has some ideas of song's we can parody for either (especially Noah) I'd love to hear from you especially if you have lyrics!

On the personal side of things - the townhouse is coming together nicely! Boxes are getting unpacked with all the kitchen stuff and I'm getting to know the area. This past weekend Diva was washed at the new Pet Food Express which opened up and when I asked the Manager about Dog Parks nearby she came back with two pages of local dog parks. Checked out one this past weekend, will go to another later this week. Diva is enjoying the idea of a dog park, she's never really been to one before so it is a new thing.

The 4th of July my roomie and I went to the Danville Parade. It is a BIG thing out here. Tradition is you set out your chairs the night before after 6 p.m. We got there at 8 and found most of the streets were already lined up with chairs and I mean lined up! Roped off, duct taped to the cement, rows and rows of chairs I think it would be easy to say there were at least 200-300 set up already. We set ours up and believe it or not they were there the next day! Yep I do live in Mayberry again. I thought Manhattan Beach was the only Mayberry but I was wrong. The parade was cute and loooong. I did manage to get a little brown which for me really means I'm a darker shade of white than previously with more freckles. And that was with sunscreen. This weekend is the Shakespeare Festival.

Well got to get back to work - the All Star Game is on at 5 p.m. and I must be home to watch the action from our very own AT&T Park!

Yeah Baby!!

THE DUCKS WIN THE STANLEY CUP!
THE DUCKS WIN THE STANLEY CUP!
THE DUCKS WIN THE STANLEY CUP!

And they said it only happened in Disney movies....

I tried to load a photo but blogger is not playing well with others. My favorite photo to come soon - hey you know who in Orange County - I want some confetti from the ceremony on Saturday!!!!

The first Californian team to ever win a Stanley Cup - gee I remember when they first were hatched in 1993 when I first moved to Southern California and some friends and I lived in the same complex as a couple of the little ducklings. My how time flies!

Okay LA Kings - what's up with you all?

Groundedness vs. The Tyranny of the Urgent

This past weekend was the first weekend I flew "solo" so to speak - Pentecost Sunday, the birth of the church, the birth of new vision and ministry even though I often wonder along with scholars whether or not Jesus or the first disciples ever really planned on starting something outside of Judaism in the first place. If I were pressed for an answer at the moment, I would have to say that I line up in the camp that doubts an intentional departure, rather a new movement emerged over time due to culture and other influences that cropped up over time.

I've been fully emersed in Church History and Christology for the past week, partially trying to make up work for my Systematics 2 course online. The move and loss of computer for four weeks threw my GPA into a tailspin and I am grateful for my theology professor (Shout out to you Dr. K!) has been willing to let me make it up. In my experience at Fuller, that rarely happens and I think I exhausted all of my grace a couple of years ago when life got unduly hairy for me personally and I had too many balls juggling in the air. That has been a problem that I have had for too long and I am making it one of my primary areas of focus now.

In a way it seems that at the root of the situation was a lack of being grounded. I remember having a Spiritual Director who once had me step into a hula hoop and shared with me that "everything in the hoop is my stuff, everything outside of it is someone elses stuff." Boundaries 101 in a very tangible way. She then had me try to balance while trying to stand in two hula hoops located a distance away from the other. Needless to say it was challenging at best. The past two years have seemed that way for me up and down the board. One priest that I have mentioned in the past in this blog, Christopher, introduced me to the idea of mindfulness from a Christian perspective. Having been immersed in a religious culture that didn't subscribe to that idea, it was like a breath of fresh air had blown through my soul and spirit when I heard it. The challenge has been to really incorporate that idea into my daily life. I tried to make sure that I would have my "quiet time" in the morning, that I would have "Devos" (yep, I was a Campus Lifer can you tell?) at night, bible study group, Sunday School class, etc. but always felt more exhausted than I did grounded. When I became a part of the Episcopal Church, Christopher and others introduced me to the concept of a Rule of Life. I had let that Rule which I created get away from me when I moved to Oregon after realizing that what worked for me in LA wasn't going to work up there.

Funny thing is in this move, the Rule came with me. I found it easy to jump back into it from the start. At the moment, the Rule that I am incorporating into my life kinda looks like this:

Morning Devotional Prayer when I am walking Diva - I use prayer beads to help me focus - you know that "shiny object syndrome" problem I have. I pray one of the oldest and I think most beautiful prayers that I have learned called the Trisagion "Holy God, Holy and Mighty, Holy Immortal, have mercy on us." Four times during the time I stop and I pray (praise for the created day and worship to the Creator God, reflection, confession and dedication of the day, prayers for family, friends and finally my immediate world, the nation and the world universal.) It takes me about a half an hour which means I am not only spending focused time in prayer but also getting a good walk in for both myself and Diva.

Praying the Office: I have to admit that I struggle with making time at night for Evening Prayer and Compline while I am temporarily housed at my Aunts because I don't have a space reserved for this but will soon.

Journaling I've found that this has been some of the most productive time that I've had to this point, until I can find a spiritual director here in the Bay Area, this has been a blessing in disguise. Richard Peace, one of my professors at Fuller demonstrated how to use journaling as a spiritual discipline in his "Pursuit of Wholeness" class and I've been using the time in that manner.

But by far the most important thing has been to take time for me. That means, making sure that I don't skip my Sabbath rest. I'm not a pro at this and I often find myself leaning towards giving that up for school, errands etc. But I am pressing on in keeping the day holy. Will let you know how it goes in the future.

Actually, now that I look at what I am doing, I'm realizing that much of what I am doing emerged out of my time at my parish in Beverly Hills and from the Pursuit of Wholeness class - never saw the connection before. The result so far is that I while life is busy, the demands still present - seminary, a new job, new environment and surroundings - there is a sense of stability...groundedness that is new. It's all new, and I have hopelessly been the type in the past to start something and then let it slide, my prayer is that this time I am willing to put my need(s) for groundedness first before all other things so that I can model what I share with others.

On a side note - I tried transferring my Y membership out here but the only Y close is in Pleasant Hill which is too much of a drag driving and honestly I'd find every excuse in the book not to go to the gym. So I found out that Fuller has a discount at 24Hr Fitness. Signed up this weekend and am having my first of 5 personal training sessions tomorrow afternoon. I got a discount on those sessions figuring that it would be better to have a professional training help me get off to a good start working out after a major back injury than going in halfcocked and injuring myself all over again. I have some paperwork to fill out before then - eating habits, favorite foods, exercise level etc. Talk about making me feel like a total couch potato. I used to move so much more than I did before I started grad school, I need to stop making excuses and do it again - I guess making it a fixed part of my schedule is going to be a non-negotiable item.

Settling in...

The first week was a good one, while it seemed at times like I was going through information overload things all came together with the gracious help of three individuals who have been overlooking CM for the past period of time. I'm so indebted to each of them in so many ways (if you're reading this...THANK YOU!)

Sunday morning rolled along and I had an opportunity to meet parents and more importantly the kids. We have some really wonderful kids here at the church and their parents are involved in Children's Ministries - what a blessing. I'm going by "MJ" here at the church (for Ms. Jeanette) and the kids liked the name - and the fact that I have introduced early on my alter-ego "Gertrude Schlebimowitz." The name came from a gym that I went to years ago in Beverly Hills - I've always called myself Gertrude for fun and the owner of the gym one day called out to me the last name. The full name just kinda stuck after that. Gertrude originally came as a way to have to sign in on internet or other information sites that required a name. Beats having to give out personal info and get spammed to high heavens. Her character over the past few years has been evolving; think of a cross between Linda Richman from Mike Meyer's SNL "Coffee Talk" and The Church Lady a la Dana Carvey (see any connections?) and you've got the gyst of the character. Anyway, Gertrude always tries to pass herself off as me - horribly I might add and I've warned the kids that she might be showing up here trying to do the same again sometime soon. Hopefully my moving boxes will arrive soon and I can get out the costume again - otherwise I'll be heading off to Goodwill to purchase some odds and ends to make up Gertrude's should we say unique style.

VBS is underway here - we're using the Avalanche Ranch program from Group. I was so blessed when the meeting time came and 17 individuals mostly leaders showed up! Our ministry has two awesome volunteers to are chairing the experience and they are doing such a spectacular job! I drove away last night truly humbled at what a beautiful place I've landed at. The church has gone through some challenges over the past year and rather than seeing it crumble and lose hope the experience has somehow infused them with a sense of leadership and momentum - they've come to understand that the work of ministry has to rely on more than one individual and if they are not the ones to actively participate, it's not going to happen. Even Memorial Day weekend is already covered for Sunday.

On the personal front, I'm settling in. This past weekend I visited Newark, the town that I was raised in until high school. I lived in the Rosemont section and at the end of our block was/is a manmade Lake aptly called "The Lake." It's approximately 1.5 miles in diameter loaded with crawdads/mudbugs in the water, an occassional catfish (caught one on a shoestring with flour/water dough bait when I was 9) and more ducks/geese and seagulls than you can count. I brought my dog Diva over to the lake with me and we took our time walking around it - she definately had fun checking out the ducks, I kept her distance from the geese as there were a number of new goslings nearby. It was a deja vu of sorts for me - remembering the times we went out on canoes in the water as I passed by tiny boat docks, standing on the bridge where we would have rock throwing contests, remembering to stash stale bread to feed the duck and the happy times when my family would bike/walk around the lake in summers after dinner. In a sense, God was wrapping up some loose ends for me that together we've been working on over a period of time and I had a sense that a few more strands were being knotted up this weekend.

Yesterday before heading out to do homework I went for about a half mile walk on the beach in Alameda - I don't think I will ever get tired of viewing the SF Skyline from the beach as I walk. I really can't think of a city that I like more - even my time in Paris is a close second with Manhattan Beach running third.

Keep your prayers up for housing - I got a call last night from the individual that I was hoping to move in with and there might be a glitch, the church is considering a no pet policy again - I'm really praying that with a deposit they'll allow Diva in. Otherwise it will be a challenge coming up with first/last/deposits and I don't want to overextend my welcome at my aunt's place. So thanks in advance for the prayers.

MMMM....waffles

Mmmm waffles - there's none better than Ole's Waffle House in Alameda!

Welcome Back Kotter ... I Mean Netter

My family - myself and the Diva dog have finally landed! After many months of prayer and discernment, I submitted my resignation at the church that I was working at to return to California. I missed the large urban area and vibe that accompanies such a surrounding and felt so homesick the entire time that I was in Oregon...you know like continually writing "CA" instead of "OR", calling state troopers "CHiPs", etc. Tony Bennett was right - I had left my heart in SF and the Bay Area when I was 15 and we moved away from there. It took me a few decades to make it back but God was gracious and the move took place.

Originally, I was looking at coming on board with another church in the Bay Area, after a period of time in conversations the church had to put on hold the offer due to some internal issues. I'm thankful for that happening, it allowed me an opportunity to really continue to process whether the church I was looking was going to be as good a fit as originally presented. During the process I had asked for continual doors to be opened in prayer and God graciously answered those prayers with a church community in the Tri-Valley area of the East Bay. Yesterday I began work at San Ramon Presbyterian Church as their new Director of Children's Ministries. I couldn't have asked for a better location. San Ramon is situated in the valley which provides for the beautiful green hills and great weather that I was going to miss about Oregon, yet is a hop, skip and a jump from the SF shoreline.

We left this past Saturday evening after a marathon two and a half weeks of purging, packing and goodbyes. The little Mazda was loaded up as far as it could safely be packed and we left Newberg. I was hoping to get to Weed the first night but tuckered out after a couple of hours driving. Diva did incredible! She had her little pillow and blanket, the harness was too small for her and thank goodness she didn't feel the "need" to try to roam the car although I can't imagine where she would have gone. The iTunes came in handy - I finally finished Frank Peretti's "The Oath" - marginally good book for an audio book and if it fell into the right hands it would make a decent sci-fi script or B rated mini-series...but I digress. U2, Dave Matthews, Cold Play and a host of other jams kept the drive sailing smoothly. The weather was GORGEOUS - blue skies and great scenery all the way down. Mt. Shasta was visible. I didn't know how many rest stops there were which made traveling with a pet terrific. We took a few short stops for Diva to play and my legs to stretch out.

I hit California about 3:30ish on Sunday afternoon and found myself crying - surprised me! I discovered a couple of things this native Californian didn't know - Jelly Bellies are manufactured in Fairfield, and we now can ride the Diamond lane with one person on off hours when posted. And while I can say that I ate very healthy all the way down my car did a quick "exit" when low and behold I spotted an In and Out Burger. My first meal back home was a delicious double double and fries. Calorie and fat laden, but ooooh so delicious with those grilled onions.

The drive through the 80 wasn't as bad as I thought, with the MacArthur Maze being closed due to that horrendous accident that destroyed a large section of the freeway - they had the detours labeled really well and even this first time driver had no problem finding my way which is great seeing I can be directionally challenged at times. According to the news this morning the new estimate is that the freeway will be up and functional again 26 days earlier than scheduled as they are having round the clock crews working on the rebuilding project. I think that actually surpasses the the time that it took when a portion of the freeway fell in the LaPrieta quake in 89. I found myself crying again when I looked over to my right and found the skyline of SF. I am home.

We're temporarily housed at my aunt's home, she's been awesome and great company too! Diva now has a new playmate - Roxie is a 3 year old psenji who seems to enjoy having someone around. There's only been a small scrap here and there when someone (I won't mention any names Diva...) was a bit overzealous in her playtime. I'm meeting with someone this week and hope that it will work out to move into a townhouse in Danville which will bring my commute down from 30 minutes to about 15 at tops. Gas hasn't been too bad so far, the most I've paid is $3.54 and I found out I had gotten ripped when another station six blocks away had it for $3.37.



Well that is it for now - it's been a lot of information to digest and I am suffering from information overload. I think it's time to hit the road home so I can take Diva on a walk at the Beach. Ooooh, I LOVE saying those words again!

Adios Amigos!

Happy Thursday to you all! It's been quite a few busy weeks for me. Most of the time I've been focusing on my online course work which has been challenging to complete without my laptop - I've been going to the Lake Oswego Public Library to use their computers with sound cards to take lecture notes and submit all the required writings. I'm loving my Theology class which is focusing on Christology and Soteriology. These are such important concepts to understand beyond the mere formalities when you are involved in the important process of providing spiritual formation/catechesis to children and to your volunteers as well. I've discovered that I am starting to understand Barth, and still come away from lectures with regards to Schliermacher (not sure on the spelling) with the same dull headache that I did in Dr. Brown's classes! To my friend the Feminarian - I'm with ya baby and feel your pain! I've just settled on my paper topic and in the next two weeks will be hammering out the rough draft for that along with all the other items due.

The other thing that I've been doing is visiting churches during interviews. It's been wonderful to check out how churches are trying to reach out to those in their communities. There was one church in particular that I was really interested in working for which didn't work out as I mentioned previously in a post. I was bummed from the perspective that I had put much time and effort into the interview process yet at the end could easily see that it was for the best. Shortly after ending my process with this church another church contacted me. When I flew down a few weeks into the process the experience was so much different than San Jose. I felt like I had landed back home. In a sense, I had. The East Bay area of Northern California is where I grew up until high school. In the larger sense it was the place that played a central part in forming me. I know that might sound funny but I really do believe that the communities that we grow up in play a significant role in the formation of who we are as people and our sense of community.

Take my home of Newark, CA. Population 42,471 at the 2000 census. Newark was and is a multicultural location. The church and school that I attended was the only Catholic church in the area. My memories of Newark for the most part are great - riding bikes and fishing for crawdads at The Lake around the corner from my house, sneaking off to Coyote Hills Park to search for obsidian arrow heads from Ohlone tribes. Digging up the occasional horse shoe at the dirt patch between our residential area and the church next to it - reminders of the dairy community that was previously on our land. Going to Newark Days in September and the summer days spent at the Park where I was part of the "Rec Rats" gang. This city allowed me to be exposed to so many unique cultures - Native American, Hispanic, Asian, East Indian, Jewish in a relatively small area. Living in the San Francisco Bay Area provided me with an even greater view of the world - especially in the 70's when so much of the world around us was changing. It was in the combination of my church, city, family and Bay Area that I learned what it meant to be a part of a community, what my responsibilities to community where and how to be an member of God's community while not hiding away from the rest of the world. In this place, I came to know God, to love God, and eventually to desire to serve God.

So much for that tangent....needless to say the Bay Area is where I consider home. And now, I am happy to say, I am returning home. San Ramon Presbyterian has asked me to join their staff to work with their children and families, and I have accepted. The church is a growing church, with a solid children's ministry. I won't be jumping into a ministry that so many challenges like this previous church. I'm blessed to have administrative help 12 hours a week, volunteers who come in and prep materials and set up rooms, and a healthy, active and committed staff of ministers in place. They've even purchased curriculum and set up the basics for summer already! And VBS is rolling along smoothly. I feel so blessed to be joining a church that has procedures already in place.

I head out on either Friday or Saturday of this next week, doing a two day journey so I can enjoy the scenery on my way down. I'll be bunking at my aunt's for two weeks and then hopefully moving into a place by June 1st. I'd appreciate your prayers the next two weeks for protection and health in my back - it's a bit strained right now and safety on the road. I'll be testing out Diva's new seatbelt/harness this weekend and together we'll be on the road. I'll be taking some pics on the way of our journey and posting when I have a chance. So stay tuned!

Adios Amigos!

Sabbath for all

I think I've never fully understood what a Sabbath means. It seems to me that the only time that I have ever fully "let down" is when I am locked up in a monastery on a fairly lengthy (read: more than a weekend) silent retreat. I am normally inundated with items and distractions that take my focus from one thing to another. Yes - like many I suffer from the proverbial "Shiny Object Syndrome." Actually, there is a mild dose of ADD also in the equation as well.

I think there is something to this idea about an unfocused culture. We are a culture built around distractions. From an early age we provide children with lights and sounds and pictures, we expose our children at what I think is too young of an age to media such as prolonged television exposure (this coming from a media freak I know I must sound like a heretic). Mine was the first culture to be brought up with MTV and later now that we're older VH1.

We are told of the need to create five and ten year plans. We surround ourselves with diversions to take away the stress from those five and ten year plans. We use fast food, the internet and other addictions to medicate ourselves from feeling anything that might help us connect to the fact that inside of ourselves is a looming void that we don't know how to fill - or even fix.

We don't do very well in the relationship department either. Most of us are in and out of relationships - I can count on one hand how many individuals that I know who have a long term marriage (read over 25 years). Most of my friends and acquaintances have what is now termed "serial monogamous" relationships.

Then there is seminary. For those of you who know someone or God bless you are currently in seminary such as I am you know what I am talking about. Lectures and reading and conscribed small groups can take the place of forging genuine relationships. Large amounts of reading and digesting of material, parsing scripture, exegesis not isogesis in preaching and homiletics, self reflection without the benefit of spiritual direction all add up to the fact that so many of us by the middle of a ten week quarter are sleep deprived, snapping and overwhelmed at the prospects of ever making it through the final five weeks. Add to that those quarters when you are doing Field Work and you are just one ball of kinetic energy looking for a place to discharge. Chapel? Who has time for that? Quiet time? You attempt it but there are so many distractions not counting lack of sleep that play into the success/failure of the endeavor.

Our constant movement, our constant "need" to focus on so many aspects of our world which we have conjured up as being important and necessary really distract us from the one item which we are called to focus upon. Scripture exhorts us to "Be Still and Know that I AM God." This phrase alone is enough to cause us to go into a guilt induced shame spiral. Yet the question remains, are we really too defocused? I think we are. God I believe radically calls for us to be single minded - to put the focus on God as our SOURCE for everything.

My brother in law is a chiropractor. I always laugh when I heard their answering machine ending "you're not fine unless your spine is aligned" but it always makes me pause and consider the fact that it is a matter of alignment that consistently throws my body out of whack. Too much of this, too little of that. To be still and know that God is God is giving our spiritual life a serious alignment. It's reminding us that God is the ultimate source of our lives, the author of our life and salvation. In God we live and move and have our being. Nothing comes into this world without the creative DNA that comes only from the Divine One. Yet we go through our lives being pulled one way and pushed another.

Consider this. I am now embarking on six weeks of time accrued from unused vacation. On one hand it is wonderful to have the luxury of this time to relax and become refreshed yet on the other hand how incredible is it that in the eighteen months that I was on assignment I never really took time to have a Sabbath of my own? What kind of an example was I to those I worked with, to those I ministered too?

Sabbath, I am coming to find out is God given for many reasons. To refresh our bodies, to renew our spirits , to connect with God and bring our lives back into a balance that includes the acknowledgement that we ourselves are NOT God inspite of our delusions.

I'm starting to think that Sabbath is a mind set. It is a way to incorporate that wonderful gift of boundaries into our lives. To create a rhythm in our lives that allows us daily to be reminded of the fact that we are in relationship with God and this relationship needs to have time to gestate and develop.

Sabbath for me this week is renewing my surroundings. Taking care of the laundry, the house and then beginning tomorrow - resting before God. I am going to be entering into a conversation with God about how I can realign myself so that I can live a true Sabbath life.

What's Around the Corner?

I am sitting here in my office, finalizing a few more details to this coming weekend's New Year's Eve curriculum for our kids ministry thinking over the past year. If I had to define the experience of moving from a progressive Episcopal congregation to a "more conservative than I realized" Church in a very open and moderate denomination - that word would have to be shell-shocked.

I know, the word seems a bit harsh. But the reality is that there is so much that seminary doesn't even begin to teach us about. Nor does the 3 quarters of Field Education and the 1 quarter of CPE work. Sure, I can create a liturgy, be decent enough in my preaching to ensure not preaching any grossly obvious heresies yet there is so much more than that.

Personally, It was a year of physical pain and heartache. My back had a major blowout with two ruptured discs and a reinjury in the middle of the summer. Trying to do the leg work of ministry while in excruciating pain was a nightmare. Being made aware that my mother who at 82 is quickly moving into her final transition years reminded me of the challenges of having "older" parents - which made me rethink about whether being single and in the ministry really made a good mix for becoming an adopted parent thus painfully again laying that dream back down and acknowledging that for the time being it is not to be pursued.

Ministry wise, I didn't expect the lonliness. Perhaps it is the fallout of living in an well to do suburb. Perhaps it is the the fact that you can take the girl out of the city but not the city out of the girl." Perhaps I lived in the awesome community founded in the "near" barrio of East Orange Grove Blvd. in Pasadena too long. I missed the diversity of life that I had in the city. And I couldn't let go of it no matter how much I attempted.

My Spiritual Director shared that more than likely that God was making aware of how much the church in America struggles with true acceptance of those who are unlike ourselves. That the Spirit was in the process of clarifying what the true passion and heart of my ministry might include - if I allowed the Spirit to work within me. Of course that means finally yielding to the possibility that this was merely an interim placement to knock out of my spirit some presumptions that I possessed while gaining further distance from the insane ministry internship position in my first two years of seminary.

And in the midst of the weariness there was this grace filled place that allowed me to really rethink my faith journey to this point, consider the lessons that I have garnered and focus on recreating a more accurate vision for my ministry and I pray my life. In the process of this, I am letting go of the dreams of what I thought ministry would/could be like and trying to be receptive to what God's designs might be for me. Secretly, I wish that God had those burning bush moments with me like Moses, but that is not in his/her plan. Part of the joy and mystery of the spiritual journey is not knowing what is around the corner yet beliving that when you get there you won't be alone.