Groundedness vs. The Tyranny of the Urgent

This past weekend was the first weekend I flew "solo" so to speak - Pentecost Sunday, the birth of the church, the birth of new vision and ministry even though I often wonder along with scholars whether or not Jesus or the first disciples ever really planned on starting something outside of Judaism in the first place. If I were pressed for an answer at the moment, I would have to say that I line up in the camp that doubts an intentional departure, rather a new movement emerged over time due to culture and other influences that cropped up over time.

I've been fully emersed in Church History and Christology for the past week, partially trying to make up work for my Systematics 2 course online. The move and loss of computer for four weeks threw my GPA into a tailspin and I am grateful for my theology professor (Shout out to you Dr. K!) has been willing to let me make it up. In my experience at Fuller, that rarely happens and I think I exhausted all of my grace a couple of years ago when life got unduly hairy for me personally and I had too many balls juggling in the air. That has been a problem that I have had for too long and I am making it one of my primary areas of focus now.

In a way it seems that at the root of the situation was a lack of being grounded. I remember having a Spiritual Director who once had me step into a hula hoop and shared with me that "everything in the hoop is my stuff, everything outside of it is someone elses stuff." Boundaries 101 in a very tangible way. She then had me try to balance while trying to stand in two hula hoops located a distance away from the other. Needless to say it was challenging at best. The past two years have seemed that way for me up and down the board. One priest that I have mentioned in the past in this blog, Christopher, introduced me to the idea of mindfulness from a Christian perspective. Having been immersed in a religious culture that didn't subscribe to that idea, it was like a breath of fresh air had blown through my soul and spirit when I heard it. The challenge has been to really incorporate that idea into my daily life. I tried to make sure that I would have my "quiet time" in the morning, that I would have "Devos" (yep, I was a Campus Lifer can you tell?) at night, bible study group, Sunday School class, etc. but always felt more exhausted than I did grounded. When I became a part of the Episcopal Church, Christopher and others introduced me to the concept of a Rule of Life. I had let that Rule which I created get away from me when I moved to Oregon after realizing that what worked for me in LA wasn't going to work up there.

Funny thing is in this move, the Rule came with me. I found it easy to jump back into it from the start. At the moment, the Rule that I am incorporating into my life kinda looks like this:

Morning Devotional Prayer when I am walking Diva - I use prayer beads to help me focus - you know that "shiny object syndrome" problem I have. I pray one of the oldest and I think most beautiful prayers that I have learned called the Trisagion "Holy God, Holy and Mighty, Holy Immortal, have mercy on us." Four times during the time I stop and I pray (praise for the created day and worship to the Creator God, reflection, confession and dedication of the day, prayers for family, friends and finally my immediate world, the nation and the world universal.) It takes me about a half an hour which means I am not only spending focused time in prayer but also getting a good walk in for both myself and Diva.

Praying the Office: I have to admit that I struggle with making time at night for Evening Prayer and Compline while I am temporarily housed at my Aunts because I don't have a space reserved for this but will soon.

Journaling I've found that this has been some of the most productive time that I've had to this point, until I can find a spiritual director here in the Bay Area, this has been a blessing in disguise. Richard Peace, one of my professors at Fuller demonstrated how to use journaling as a spiritual discipline in his "Pursuit of Wholeness" class and I've been using the time in that manner.

But by far the most important thing has been to take time for me. That means, making sure that I don't skip my Sabbath rest. I'm not a pro at this and I often find myself leaning towards giving that up for school, errands etc. But I am pressing on in keeping the day holy. Will let you know how it goes in the future.

Actually, now that I look at what I am doing, I'm realizing that much of what I am doing emerged out of my time at my parish in Beverly Hills and from the Pursuit of Wholeness class - never saw the connection before. The result so far is that I while life is busy, the demands still present - seminary, a new job, new environment and surroundings - there is a sense of stability...groundedness that is new. It's all new, and I have hopelessly been the type in the past to start something and then let it slide, my prayer is that this time I am willing to put my need(s) for groundedness first before all other things so that I can model what I share with others.

On a side note - I tried transferring my Y membership out here but the only Y close is in Pleasant Hill which is too much of a drag driving and honestly I'd find every excuse in the book not to go to the gym. So I found out that Fuller has a discount at 24Hr Fitness. Signed up this weekend and am having my first of 5 personal training sessions tomorrow afternoon. I got a discount on those sessions figuring that it would be better to have a professional training help me get off to a good start working out after a major back injury than going in halfcocked and injuring myself all over again. I have some paperwork to fill out before then - eating habits, favorite foods, exercise level etc. Talk about making me feel like a total couch potato. I used to move so much more than I did before I started grad school, I need to stop making excuses and do it again - I guess making it a fixed part of my schedule is going to be a non-negotiable item.

All Kinds of Families

One of the struggles in Children's Ministry-is how to handle those holidays which stress or emphasize families. Mother's and Father's day being two of the key holidays. As our culture continues to fracture so many children find themselves in family units that no longer reflect the traditional intact family. In fact, I don't even like using that term any more as nearly 1:2 marriages now end in divorce or separation.

This question was recently brought up on the Kidology.org website and I in particular love the response and action that one Minister to Children shared:

We celebrate Father's Day by celebrating God, the Father. And tell kids that God is our Father, the best Father there is and give cool Bible stories. This has helped ease over those who don't have dads either because they ran out on their family, passed away or never knew them. This actually increased our kids coming to church, because no matter what they all had a dad!

When we do crafts, we had those that didn't have a dad make that craft for their Heavenly Father and they would leave it on the altar at church. We've displayed these on our altars for the past 5 years!

What a wonderful bridge for children who do not have a father (or in general a parent) in their lives. The idea of grounding these children in the knowledge and experience of God as caretaker/parent whose goodness, mercy and grace is always present can be the pole on which they hold onto throughout their lives when harsh winds blow. My appreciation goes out to churches and communities that continue to express the many ways in which families are made.

Settling in...

The first week was a good one, while it seemed at times like I was going through information overload things all came together with the gracious help of three individuals who have been overlooking CM for the past period of time. I'm so indebted to each of them in so many ways (if you're reading this...THANK YOU!)

Sunday morning rolled along and I had an opportunity to meet parents and more importantly the kids. We have some really wonderful kids here at the church and their parents are involved in Children's Ministries - what a blessing. I'm going by "MJ" here at the church (for Ms. Jeanette) and the kids liked the name - and the fact that I have introduced early on my alter-ego "Gertrude Schlebimowitz." The name came from a gym that I went to years ago in Beverly Hills - I've always called myself Gertrude for fun and the owner of the gym one day called out to me the last name. The full name just kinda stuck after that. Gertrude originally came as a way to have to sign in on internet or other information sites that required a name. Beats having to give out personal info and get spammed to high heavens. Her character over the past few years has been evolving; think of a cross between Linda Richman from Mike Meyer's SNL "Coffee Talk" and The Church Lady a la Dana Carvey (see any connections?) and you've got the gyst of the character. Anyway, Gertrude always tries to pass herself off as me - horribly I might add and I've warned the kids that she might be showing up here trying to do the same again sometime soon. Hopefully my moving boxes will arrive soon and I can get out the costume again - otherwise I'll be heading off to Goodwill to purchase some odds and ends to make up Gertrude's should we say unique style.

VBS is underway here - we're using the Avalanche Ranch program from Group. I was so blessed when the meeting time came and 17 individuals mostly leaders showed up! Our ministry has two awesome volunteers to are chairing the experience and they are doing such a spectacular job! I drove away last night truly humbled at what a beautiful place I've landed at. The church has gone through some challenges over the past year and rather than seeing it crumble and lose hope the experience has somehow infused them with a sense of leadership and momentum - they've come to understand that the work of ministry has to rely on more than one individual and if they are not the ones to actively participate, it's not going to happen. Even Memorial Day weekend is already covered for Sunday.

On the personal front, I'm settling in. This past weekend I visited Newark, the town that I was raised in until high school. I lived in the Rosemont section and at the end of our block was/is a manmade Lake aptly called "The Lake." It's approximately 1.5 miles in diameter loaded with crawdads/mudbugs in the water, an occassional catfish (caught one on a shoestring with flour/water dough bait when I was 9) and more ducks/geese and seagulls than you can count. I brought my dog Diva over to the lake with me and we took our time walking around it - she definately had fun checking out the ducks, I kept her distance from the geese as there were a number of new goslings nearby. It was a deja vu of sorts for me - remembering the times we went out on canoes in the water as I passed by tiny boat docks, standing on the bridge where we would have rock throwing contests, remembering to stash stale bread to feed the duck and the happy times when my family would bike/walk around the lake in summers after dinner. In a sense, God was wrapping up some loose ends for me that together we've been working on over a period of time and I had a sense that a few more strands were being knotted up this weekend.

Yesterday before heading out to do homework I went for about a half mile walk on the beach in Alameda - I don't think I will ever get tired of viewing the SF Skyline from the beach as I walk. I really can't think of a city that I like more - even my time in Paris is a close second with Manhattan Beach running third.

Keep your prayers up for housing - I got a call last night from the individual that I was hoping to move in with and there might be a glitch, the church is considering a no pet policy again - I'm really praying that with a deposit they'll allow Diva in. Otherwise it will be a challenge coming up with first/last/deposits and I don't want to overextend my welcome at my aunt's place. So thanks in advance for the prayers.

How Do You Spell SUCCESS?

I can't believe that the week has already ended and I'm facing my first Sunday morning in my new congregation. There's a part of myself that is facing that first day jitters. Yet the class rosters are filled for the next two weeks and individuals are beginning to sign up for the summer months. This coming weekend the church is starting to add registration cards in the bulletins and passing out the bulletins at the beginning of service so they can highlight and give the opportunity for individuals to hand in their cards - good call. They'll be highlighting the summer months for children's ministries and beginning on Tuesday I'll be hitting the pavement high and low for individuals to fill the gaps.

It's been a good week of settling in. I still feel like I'm in a whirlwind with information overload yet it is different this time because there is so much information and preparation that has been made for the person who took this spot. For that I will be forever blessed and thankful! There's much to do; first on my plate besides the acclimation is a budget line item and then beginning to flesh out possible vision/objectives for the upcoming year. This is going to take time - I will be doing this in the culture and company of other individuals who have been a part of this ministry to make certain that we are focusing on what is of importance to this community and to help with buy in and ownership of what we plant. Afterall, it is the entire communities crop, I am blessed to be the one that is given the weighty responsibility of watering, weeding and harvesting. As I shared, this is going to take time yet it is again bringing me back to the question of what a spiritually healthy child looks like? And as I am this causes me to ask some questions:

• When a child moves to Jr. High School/Middle School ministries what foundation will they bring with them?
• Will the scriptural knowledge they bring with them consist merely of stories, memory verses and random ideas with no real understanding of how they all connect?
• Will a child be able to begin to make critical decisions about how they will incorporate their faith into their everyday lives?
• Have they begun to incorporate spiritual disciplines of prayer, study, service and worship into their lives?

And then of course comes the question of how can one really measure those responses? One of the biggest challenges in ministry to children is the quest for a reasonable way to evaluate "success." I admit at one time I was looking at success through the lens of growth - participate numbers, increase in giving, consecutive weekly attendance, volunteering parents etc. The problem with measuring success this way is that you can become so myopic on numbers that you wind up missing what is in front of you that is truly important. The child and their spiritual development. That's not to say that growth or increase is not a factor that needs to be considered - healthy programs will show growth yet it is an outcome of, and not the main goal.

My hope as I begin this ministry is that the answers to these questions will look something like this:

• Children look forward to being a part of our ministry with them. They desire to be regular participants in it and begin to build relationships not only with their friends, but with their shepherds and guides.
• Volunteers find that they are energized by their time in ministry and are eager, excited to be a part.
• Families become like the apostle Andrew who exhorted others to "come and see" about this Jesus. They become the first link in outreach to the community about what we're doing with and for children.
• Children develop a deep seated, heartfelt love for God that is communicated through involvement in worship, a desire to be discipled, living out their faith through their choices.

I'll be spending much time digging around for ways in which we can remain faithful to the message of Christ while fostering children's faith in this ever changing and challenging world.

MMMM....waffles

Mmmm waffles - there's none better than Ole's Waffle House in Alameda!

Welcome Back Kotter ... I Mean Netter

My family - myself and the Diva dog have finally landed! After many months of prayer and discernment, I submitted my resignation at the church that I was working at to return to California. I missed the large urban area and vibe that accompanies such a surrounding and felt so homesick the entire time that I was in Oregon...you know like continually writing "CA" instead of "OR", calling state troopers "CHiPs", etc. Tony Bennett was right - I had left my heart in SF and the Bay Area when I was 15 and we moved away from there. It took me a few decades to make it back but God was gracious and the move took place.

Originally, I was looking at coming on board with another church in the Bay Area, after a period of time in conversations the church had to put on hold the offer due to some internal issues. I'm thankful for that happening, it allowed me an opportunity to really continue to process whether the church I was looking was going to be as good a fit as originally presented. During the process I had asked for continual doors to be opened in prayer and God graciously answered those prayers with a church community in the Tri-Valley area of the East Bay. Yesterday I began work at San Ramon Presbyterian Church as their new Director of Children's Ministries. I couldn't have asked for a better location. San Ramon is situated in the valley which provides for the beautiful green hills and great weather that I was going to miss about Oregon, yet is a hop, skip and a jump from the SF shoreline.

We left this past Saturday evening after a marathon two and a half weeks of purging, packing and goodbyes. The little Mazda was loaded up as far as it could safely be packed and we left Newberg. I was hoping to get to Weed the first night but tuckered out after a couple of hours driving. Diva did incredible! She had her little pillow and blanket, the harness was too small for her and thank goodness she didn't feel the "need" to try to roam the car although I can't imagine where she would have gone. The iTunes came in handy - I finally finished Frank Peretti's "The Oath" - marginally good book for an audio book and if it fell into the right hands it would make a decent sci-fi script or B rated mini-series...but I digress. U2, Dave Matthews, Cold Play and a host of other jams kept the drive sailing smoothly. The weather was GORGEOUS - blue skies and great scenery all the way down. Mt. Shasta was visible. I didn't know how many rest stops there were which made traveling with a pet terrific. We took a few short stops for Diva to play and my legs to stretch out.

I hit California about 3:30ish on Sunday afternoon and found myself crying - surprised me! I discovered a couple of things this native Californian didn't know - Jelly Bellies are manufactured in Fairfield, and we now can ride the Diamond lane with one person on off hours when posted. And while I can say that I ate very healthy all the way down my car did a quick "exit" when low and behold I spotted an In and Out Burger. My first meal back home was a delicious double double and fries. Calorie and fat laden, but ooooh so delicious with those grilled onions.

The drive through the 80 wasn't as bad as I thought, with the MacArthur Maze being closed due to that horrendous accident that destroyed a large section of the freeway - they had the detours labeled really well and even this first time driver had no problem finding my way which is great seeing I can be directionally challenged at times. According to the news this morning the new estimate is that the freeway will be up and functional again 26 days earlier than scheduled as they are having round the clock crews working on the rebuilding project. I think that actually surpasses the the time that it took when a portion of the freeway fell in the LaPrieta quake in 89. I found myself crying again when I looked over to my right and found the skyline of SF. I am home.

We're temporarily housed at my aunt's home, she's been awesome and great company too! Diva now has a new playmate - Roxie is a 3 year old psenji who seems to enjoy having someone around. There's only been a small scrap here and there when someone (I won't mention any names Diva...) was a bit overzealous in her playtime. I'm meeting with someone this week and hope that it will work out to move into a townhouse in Danville which will bring my commute down from 30 minutes to about 15 at tops. Gas hasn't been too bad so far, the most I've paid is $3.54 and I found out I had gotten ripped when another station six blocks away had it for $3.37.



Well that is it for now - it's been a lot of information to digest and I am suffering from information overload. I think it's time to hit the road home so I can take Diva on a walk at the Beach. Ooooh, I LOVE saying those words again!

Adios Amigos!

Happy Thursday to you all! It's been quite a few busy weeks for me. Most of the time I've been focusing on my online course work which has been challenging to complete without my laptop - I've been going to the Lake Oswego Public Library to use their computers with sound cards to take lecture notes and submit all the required writings. I'm loving my Theology class which is focusing on Christology and Soteriology. These are such important concepts to understand beyond the mere formalities when you are involved in the important process of providing spiritual formation/catechesis to children and to your volunteers as well. I've discovered that I am starting to understand Barth, and still come away from lectures with regards to Schliermacher (not sure on the spelling) with the same dull headache that I did in Dr. Brown's classes! To my friend the Feminarian - I'm with ya baby and feel your pain! I've just settled on my paper topic and in the next two weeks will be hammering out the rough draft for that along with all the other items due.

The other thing that I've been doing is visiting churches during interviews. It's been wonderful to check out how churches are trying to reach out to those in their communities. There was one church in particular that I was really interested in working for which didn't work out as I mentioned previously in a post. I was bummed from the perspective that I had put much time and effort into the interview process yet at the end could easily see that it was for the best. Shortly after ending my process with this church another church contacted me. When I flew down a few weeks into the process the experience was so much different than San Jose. I felt like I had landed back home. In a sense, I had. The East Bay area of Northern California is where I grew up until high school. In the larger sense it was the place that played a central part in forming me. I know that might sound funny but I really do believe that the communities that we grow up in play a significant role in the formation of who we are as people and our sense of community.

Take my home of Newark, CA. Population 42,471 at the 2000 census. Newark was and is a multicultural location. The church and school that I attended was the only Catholic church in the area. My memories of Newark for the most part are great - riding bikes and fishing for crawdads at The Lake around the corner from my house, sneaking off to Coyote Hills Park to search for obsidian arrow heads from Ohlone tribes. Digging up the occasional horse shoe at the dirt patch between our residential area and the church next to it - reminders of the dairy community that was previously on our land. Going to Newark Days in September and the summer days spent at the Park where I was part of the "Rec Rats" gang. This city allowed me to be exposed to so many unique cultures - Native American, Hispanic, Asian, East Indian, Jewish in a relatively small area. Living in the San Francisco Bay Area provided me with an even greater view of the world - especially in the 70's when so much of the world around us was changing. It was in the combination of my church, city, family and Bay Area that I learned what it meant to be a part of a community, what my responsibilities to community where and how to be an member of God's community while not hiding away from the rest of the world. In this place, I came to know God, to love God, and eventually to desire to serve God.

So much for that tangent....needless to say the Bay Area is where I consider home. And now, I am happy to say, I am returning home. San Ramon Presbyterian has asked me to join their staff to work with their children and families, and I have accepted. The church is a growing church, with a solid children's ministry. I won't be jumping into a ministry that so many challenges like this previous church. I'm blessed to have administrative help 12 hours a week, volunteers who come in and prep materials and set up rooms, and a healthy, active and committed staff of ministers in place. They've even purchased curriculum and set up the basics for summer already! And VBS is rolling along smoothly. I feel so blessed to be joining a church that has procedures already in place.

I head out on either Friday or Saturday of this next week, doing a two day journey so I can enjoy the scenery on my way down. I'll be bunking at my aunt's for two weeks and then hopefully moving into a place by June 1st. I'd appreciate your prayers the next two weeks for protection and health in my back - it's a bit strained right now and safety on the road. I'll be testing out Diva's new seatbelt/harness this weekend and together we'll be on the road. I'll be taking some pics on the way of our journey and posting when I have a chance. So stay tuned!

Adios Amigos!

Is a closed door always a sign?

It's Monday, the start of another week. March is almost ending and I am grateful for that. It's been a rough month - a month that seemed to hold promise on some ends only which didn't pan out. Reflecting on these experiences has been interesting for me. There is a sense of attempting to acknowledge that providence seemed to determine that these were "closed doors" and communicated that to me very clearly.

Yet there is this question that has once again raised its head in my theological framework. Is a closed door always a sign? There are times in the past when there have been pastors or speakers who have communicated that when something doesn't work or pan out in the way that you or others expected it to; that it could be acknowledged that in the God's plan this was a way of your answer to prayer being a no or a closed door at this point. I've heard many of my friends mumble under their breaths about whether or not there was one "one" for them - and what happens if that "one" joins up with an individual not intended for them? Then there are the plethora of stories that arose out of the ashes of 9/11 which shared how individuals missed trains, subways or decided at the last moment not to take flights only to find themselves spared from the horrific events of that day. In my world it is interesting to note that a former work associate and his family had wound up staying a day later back East only to find them booked on one of the flights that crashed into the World Trade Towers.

At times it's hard for me to digest the concept of providence and sovereignty in our lives and the fact that there is much more to this Universe that we are not privy of in spite of our delusions of grandeur. The work associate who died on 9/11 - can we really say that it was designed of God for that individuals life to end on that day? And what about their 2 1/2 year old son who was killed as well?

There are times that I think in life we have to be comfortable with saying "I don't know" to questions such as these. I don't know why things turn out the way they do at times. Personally, I don't know all the lessons that I am to gain both now and in the future from this experience in Oregon, nor do I fully comprehend why some opportunities and connections don't happen the way I hope for them to end. And at the same time I am grateful to recognize that those "closed doors" that I have prayed for did happen and new openings have begun which might lead to a better venue - and actually one more closely aligned with my skillset and passion.

So to answer the question I posed, perhaps closed doors are a sign of the "not yet" factor playing out in our lives. Not the right time, not the right venue, not having learned the right lessons yet to walk through that experience in a healthy way. After all, not yet is neither negative or positive, it just is. And living in the present not knowing exactly what is to come next is one of the more challenging lessons in life that we learn. For me, I sense that is what God is teaching me right now. To be content in the grey, the not yets while knowing that in these moments growth is taking place.

The Latest

It's been an interesting couple of weeks. The long term "hiatus" is growing weary on me - I am looking forward to getting back into ministry believe it or not and have been finding myself thinking about how I could leverage my experience with children into a ministry that might be more adult minded. Or looking at the possibility of finding some other way to be involved in ministry while still focusing more on finishing up this M.Div.

The news came back recently about San Jose - at the moment it is a pass. I was not surprised as it seemed that there was always this "but" dangling at the end of the conversations. It was hard to hear those words, I really felt that there could have been a good connection there as well as a match in the vision and goal of the ministry. The community had lost two key individuals this past year and are being so cautious not to repeat this departure scenario again that they are being extremely meticulous and deliberate in calling someone to the position.

Two and a half weeks ago I began conversations with a church in San Ramon which seems to be more in line with what I am looking for. Strangely enough it is not an "emergent" church yet has a heart to meet the needs in an emergent manner. The church already has two female associates so the ability or ease of working with women in leadership has already been laid out; there is an active outreach into the community by every ministry including children; and there is a focus on grace, rather than legalism. I've been invited to come down this coming weekend for a second interview. The conversations which I had this past weekend were positive and left me feeling as though I could fit in within this body. There are positive movements and comments on both sides so it will be exciting to see what the weekend holds in store.

In the meantime, it's been a challenge to find a temp job here - it appears that I am "over qualified" to do the executive assistance jobs I've done in the past - or they squirm when they see a resume that demonstrates administrative ability but the last three jobs in churches. I can see where that would be a challenge to some but sheesh wade. I remember at PwC where I used to work they purposely recruited at BYU for associates because of the students high level of ethics. I've signed on at Starbucks in the meantime for medical insurance after 20 hours of work a week. That and the fact that the people that I am working with are very fun to be with. For the meantime until a job comes it will be enough to cover rent and the car payment, very little other however.

I had to change classes at Fuller the ones that I wanted were booked. So I am taking Dr. Karkkainen's theology online which starts tomorrow. I've already had a chapter read in the book and waiting to get the other books from the bookstore mailed to me.

I've also settled on a church while I am here in the area. It's called 2nd Street Community Church and is a 180 degree turn from where I previously attended. The pastor is going through Haggai currently and it has been like water on parched ground. I can slowly feel God beginning to heal the wounds incurred at this past ministry experience - it is slow but I know that I will be stronger for it.

Does Dobsen Truly Speak for Us?

http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2007/marchweb-only/109-53.0.html

I continue to applaud the Vice President of the NEA for his willingness to stand up in the face of those who preach a gospel of intolerance. To me it is just plain audacity for Dobson to truly believe that he (Dobson) speaks for all Evangelicals

"If he cannot be trusted to articulate the views of American evangelicals on environmental issues, then we respectfully suggest that he be encouraged to resign his position with the NAE."

Dear Dr. Dobson - there are individuals within the Evangelical movement who do believe that we are to be the caretakers of this environment. We are to be on the forefront of insuring that generations to come have a world that is not only inhabitable but that it reflects the character and nature of God's creative power. There is a growing sense of discomfort Dr. Dobson, with the gospel that you and others articulate to the public at large. There is a growing number of individuals from my generation and younger - that hold to a gospel that demands respect for all people, all the environment, and a respect for the earliest roots of our faith.

I'd encourage all of us to contact the NEA and share with them our agreement with Rev. Cizik and ask for his continued presence within the NEA.

Ideal vs. Reality in My World

Wow! I didn't realize how long it has been since posting here. Life since leaving my ministry position has been interesting. I had some ideas as to how I was going to spend it and as usual, my so called "ideas" went one way and the reality was something radically different.

I thought that I would immediate go about looking for a temp job.
Reality was that I found I needed to really rest - that the amout of stress and "life" that had hit me hadn't been processed through completely and I needed to focus on this.

I thought that I would organize and box a ton of stuff up
Reality was that I did organize (yeah!) but held off doing a lot of boxing from the standpoint of I'm still waiting to see where I am going to land.

What has been good is a sense of rest that has happened in my life. This period of time has pulled up some aspects of my life up that I didn't know were areas and places that I needed to still grow. Areas such as the need to still please individuals - how often did I hold back what I was feeling/personal spiritual beliefs because I felt it was more important to show a "unified front" when honestly I was didn't hold the same beliefs? Why did it take so long for me to finally step forward and say that "this wasn't going to work?" How come I repressed the core desire within me to truly be a part of a community that strove for reconciliation (economic, racial, spiritual) when that is something that has been a part of my life for so long?

I found myself spending much time pondering these aspects (and others that will stay between me, myself and I) at the Oregon Coast with two great friends. Together we checked out the Aquarium, had great conversations, checked out the beauty that is in Oregon. In the process there were times of quiet and the ability to get alone with your own thoughts. I have to say that I really missed living in Manhattan Beach after this weekend, there was a peace that came back over me that has been missing for awhile. Actually, I think it was the sense of being grounded and centered.

I came back from that weekend focused on committing to a rhythm of life that would foster my sense of being grounded and centered again. In the process of having my world turned upside down over the past year and a half, I've realized that all of the things that I had incorporated into my life spiritual and communally to provide me with a sense of being centered had evaporated. So Ash Wednesday I again moved back into a rhythm that includes mindfulness and silence. I continued to do the traditional "simplicity move" that Christopher my 20s/30s priest had shared with us - to hold off any major purchases during Lent and instead focus on clearing away the clutter and excess that can be found in our lives. As a result there is a major purging right now of clothes and other items that I haven't thought of or needed in the past year. It feels good to let go of some of things things as though they are freeing me up in anticipation of the future. Of course, I am already trying to find a way to justify splurging on my birthday which this year conveniently falls on a Sunday - the "free day" card for Lenten abstinances!

As far as the work search goes I've had some really good conversations with a community in San Jose. It's been difficult on one hand because I have been honest with them about some of the areas that I discovered weren't necessarily as strong as I have thought them to be in the past; shared with them some of my strengths that have come out of the experience as well. The concern for me is that looming question of whether or not I am "shooting myself in the foot" with regards to this honesty. I am hoping that this is a mark of recognizing my limitations and vulnerabilities as well as trying to live in humility before God and others. I am tired of trying to please - the only voice I need to hear say well done from is that of my Creator.

This past Thursday through Sunday I was down in San Jose with this community. After a flight rescheduling (thanks Alaska Airlines for bumping my earlier flight - I enjoyed the free lunch on you all and the 1K extra miles!) I would up immediately going into interviews for the remainder of the weekend. I kept using the word intense to describe them but honestly I couldn't think of another aside from "I felt as though I was in group therapy" to describe it. No, actually, I guess that I could say that the conversations that I had during my time there felt like the ones that I should have had in my discernment group for vocations in the Episcopal Church but the parish that I was involved in really had no clue as to what or where to go during the process. The questions were deep, probing my personal faith and life, how did I handle my areas of wounded ness, what was community to me and how did I go about searching and finding it to others that quite frankly I just can't think of at the moment. I had approximately 4 conversations on Thursday, at least 8 on Friday with two individuals at each one, lunch and dinner with pastoral staff people, and a desert on Friday night that went till almost 10 p.m. - a 13 hour day of deep processing. Saturday I met with at least five individuals, dinner again with pastoral staff and collapsed into bed to chat with one of my good friends in North Carolina about the process. I am so blessed that there are people in my life who are willing to be open, to reflect back to me not necessarily what I want to hear but what will be the best for me and who I genuinely have fun with! P.S. - to that friend it would be a blast if we both found ourselves in the Bay Area!

Finally on Sunday I taught the K/1st graders and then presented a discussion on Spiritual Disciplines. THe evening I met with one other individual and shared a bit more at length and hopefully shed some light on areas that perhaps I was not too clear on during earlier conversations. Then I had a taste of community life by watching the Oscars with a group of people and taking home the prize for matching Oscar song nominees. I decompressed on Monday by checking out the area near San Jose for places to live, culture. In a surprising experience, I went back to the city that I grew up in and found myself sitting in the pews at the church where I consider my spiritual formation to have taken place. Out of nowhere I found myself getting emotional - here I was in the environment where I discovered God - where I came to love God, to know that I was loved, to take part in community through sacraments and life in general. It was the place that formed me on a much deeper level than I have ever connected with previously. And in some aspects it is this community that has given me the blue print so to speak for how ministry to children can take place and needs to take place during this period of shifting from modernity to postmodernity. In the process I realized that what this community in San Jose was seeking I had found as a child and could offer a piece of that discovery to them for their own journey as a people of faith.

Since my arrival home it has been life as usual. My step-niece gave birth to her first born Jayden Miguel, who is just gorgeous - at least from the pictures I've seen. It snowed Tuesday and Wednesday and melted upon touch down - the type of snow that I like when I am not at a ski lodge! And I've been hunting down some temp work while I wait for the church to respond back to me by the 12th. This is the part of the journey that I dislike - the period of waiting. I'm trying to look at it as an opportunity to remember how to rest in God's faithfulness and as my mom shares - remember that nothing is going to surprise God during this time.
I registered for Spring quarter as well today - I'm taking Dr. Goldingay's Penateuch class on line and President Mouw's Christ in Culture via IDL. Yes I am a glutton for punishment but I really do want to take these classes from both of these professors and this is the only way when I'm not at the main campus. I may be blogging about drowning in reading in approximately two and a half weeks but this is the norm on Fuller's campus.

Sabbath for all

I think I've never fully understood what a Sabbath means. It seems to me that the only time that I have ever fully "let down" is when I am locked up in a monastery on a fairly lengthy (read: more than a weekend) silent retreat. I am normally inundated with items and distractions that take my focus from one thing to another. Yes - like many I suffer from the proverbial "Shiny Object Syndrome." Actually, there is a mild dose of ADD also in the equation as well.

I think there is something to this idea about an unfocused culture. We are a culture built around distractions. From an early age we provide children with lights and sounds and pictures, we expose our children at what I think is too young of an age to media such as prolonged television exposure (this coming from a media freak I know I must sound like a heretic). Mine was the first culture to be brought up with MTV and later now that we're older VH1.

We are told of the need to create five and ten year plans. We surround ourselves with diversions to take away the stress from those five and ten year plans. We use fast food, the internet and other addictions to medicate ourselves from feeling anything that might help us connect to the fact that inside of ourselves is a looming void that we don't know how to fill - or even fix.

We don't do very well in the relationship department either. Most of us are in and out of relationships - I can count on one hand how many individuals that I know who have a long term marriage (read over 25 years). Most of my friends and acquaintances have what is now termed "serial monogamous" relationships.

Then there is seminary. For those of you who know someone or God bless you are currently in seminary such as I am you know what I am talking about. Lectures and reading and conscribed small groups can take the place of forging genuine relationships. Large amounts of reading and digesting of material, parsing scripture, exegesis not isogesis in preaching and homiletics, self reflection without the benefit of spiritual direction all add up to the fact that so many of us by the middle of a ten week quarter are sleep deprived, snapping and overwhelmed at the prospects of ever making it through the final five weeks. Add to that those quarters when you are doing Field Work and you are just one ball of kinetic energy looking for a place to discharge. Chapel? Who has time for that? Quiet time? You attempt it but there are so many distractions not counting lack of sleep that play into the success/failure of the endeavor.

Our constant movement, our constant "need" to focus on so many aspects of our world which we have conjured up as being important and necessary really distract us from the one item which we are called to focus upon. Scripture exhorts us to "Be Still and Know that I AM God." This phrase alone is enough to cause us to go into a guilt induced shame spiral. Yet the question remains, are we really too defocused? I think we are. God I believe radically calls for us to be single minded - to put the focus on God as our SOURCE for everything.

My brother in law is a chiropractor. I always laugh when I heard their answering machine ending "you're not fine unless your spine is aligned" but it always makes me pause and consider the fact that it is a matter of alignment that consistently throws my body out of whack. Too much of this, too little of that. To be still and know that God is God is giving our spiritual life a serious alignment. It's reminding us that God is the ultimate source of our lives, the author of our life and salvation. In God we live and move and have our being. Nothing comes into this world without the creative DNA that comes only from the Divine One. Yet we go through our lives being pulled one way and pushed another.

Consider this. I am now embarking on six weeks of time accrued from unused vacation. On one hand it is wonderful to have the luxury of this time to relax and become refreshed yet on the other hand how incredible is it that in the eighteen months that I was on assignment I never really took time to have a Sabbath of my own? What kind of an example was I to those I worked with, to those I ministered too?

Sabbath, I am coming to find out is God given for many reasons. To refresh our bodies, to renew our spirits , to connect with God and bring our lives back into a balance that includes the acknowledgement that we ourselves are NOT God inspite of our delusions.

I'm starting to think that Sabbath is a mind set. It is a way to incorporate that wonderful gift of boundaries into our lives. To create a rhythm in our lives that allows us daily to be reminded of the fact that we are in relationship with God and this relationship needs to have time to gestate and develop.

Sabbath for me this week is renewing my surroundings. Taking care of the laundry, the house and then beginning tomorrow - resting before God. I am going to be entering into a conversation with God about how I can realign myself so that I can live a true Sabbath life.

Telling our stories...

One of the most powerful ways of communication is through story. Our earliest traditions and beliefs in humanity have been passed down through tribal oracles - those entrusted to remember the stories of their people. Stories are means by which we convey our own deep seated hopes, frustrations and aspirations for ourselves and for humanity.

I'm always struck by the healing power of stories - in recovery movements one of the vehicles of healing is actually sharing your story. In meetings one shares about the broken places in their lives and their journey towards healing. Therapists are trained to help an individual decipher the real story from the perceived in a patient's life. Spiritual Directors help guide their fellow pilgrim to take note of the special twists and turns that emerge on their road to God.

Brian McLaren speaks alot about the stories we share in relation to Christianity. It has made me think about the analogies and metaphors that Jesus used in the parables and what metaphors we can use from our everyday lives to communicate the passion and power of the message itself. That God loves us unconditionally, that until we embrace that divine love for our own lives we are in a state of disrest in our loves body, mind and spirit. What would the shape of our stories take if we dared to think of the power of story.

Saying Goodbye-prematurely

It's been a challenging week - in the midst of my own personal grief work related to letting go of this position I came into the office this past Tuesday to be asked to go over to the local Middle School as the 6th graders had experienced the loss of a classmate of theirs.

I spent the around six hours at the middle school with our Youth Pastor on Tuesday and another 3 hours or so doing some wrap up on Wednesday. The picture that was given to me of this girl was that she celebrated and loved life to the fullest. In the midst of being her own unique individual, she apparantly had a heart that looked out for others who didn't quite fit the middle school mold and took them under her wing. For many of these students it was the first time a peer had passed away, or it brought up many unresolved losses of grandparents or divorced parents in their own lives.

Yet the one issue that I heard over and over again from kids was that they never had a chance to say "sorry." I shared with those that I was listening to that most adults would agree that the WORST years of school would be middle school. Everyone is trying to fit in and you're still trying to figure out who you are, and the last thing in the world that one wants to do is stand out and be DIFFERENT! I had the girls/guys try to channel some of that regret into creating a book of "lessons that X taught them." It seemed to be helpful and appreciated by the counselors who were in and out of the safe room.

Working with grieving kids is never easy. My first weeks in ministry in Oregon had me working with parents, adults and kids as one of our beloved families was involved in a horrific car accident where the mother was seriously injured and the oldest daughter killed. Previously, I've worked with families involved in murder/suicides and I think that the most challenging ones are those whose deaths are unexpected.

The last bit of news which I heard at the school this week was that this girl's life was truly a miracle. An undiagnosed defect was the root of her passing, and in reality it is a miracle that she lived 12 lively and energy packed years.

And in the meantime, please keep my Aunt's family in your prayers as we received word on Wednesday evening that my 48 year old cousin was found dead in his apartment. His life will be remembered.

For those of you who work are interested in "boning up" on your grief work skills I recommend two programs that are outstanding in their work.

Rainbows - (http://www.rainbows.org/) is a nationally recognized grief recovery and support group for children and their families experiencing a wide variety of loss - from divorce recovery to death of sibling/parent. They have a wonderful facilitator training program which I was able to participate in and later facilitated groups through a Hospice program at a major medical center.

Dougy Center (http://www.dougy.org/) is another nationally recognized support group founded in Portland, Or.

Via Media Kids - a blog especially for kids and their parents!

Hi all-

Just wanted to let you know that I have a new devotional blog for kids called "Via Media Kids." You can reach it here at this link: http://viamediakids.blogspot.com/

Please pass the link onto kids and families who might be interested.

Thanks!

Plastic Dashboard Jesus and the Communities that Love Them

What can I say about today? I had on my Master Calendar list for January (prepared way before I was leaving or announced my decision to leave) that it was time to work on the closets upstairs - so between myself and my friend we got two closets cleaned out and sorted with everything labeled for easy access. It will be a lot nicer than what was left for me when I arrived at work 17 months ago...I'm glad because nothing is worse than not knowing what has been done, where things are or who to go to for an answer on a question.

I've been asked to contact people individually to listen to them after receiving the email. Most have nothing to say, or are curious as to what in store for me. The hardest one to hear this afternoon was from someone who basically said that no one would ever tell me what they really felt but there will be a sigh of relief that I am departing because "I was the worst thing that ever happened to this church." When I asked if they could elaborate (yes, I am a glutton for punishment) they shared that they felt that there was too much of a push for parents to be taking responsibility for the spiritual raising of their children. That if they wanted their children to be raised to be a part of the world they would not be Christians because Christians are to "not be of this world." I was diametrically teaching what they didn't want their kids to hear and they were having to "unteach" them every weekend after they went to classes.

God bless that individual. I am sure they do not represent all members of the congregation, nor the families of the kids who attend weekly. If they do - I'm sorry and I hold firm to the belief that so many of us are ghettoized in the proverbial "Christian world" exclusively that we are oblivious to how those who aren't Christians view us. I want so much more for our kids - they are soaking up a culture and a world which feels that Christianity is more of a nusance rather than an important part of one's core beliefs. There is a pantheon of spiritual beliefs from which to choose and as long as it's good for you and doesn't hurt others do it. We long for community yet isolate ourselves creating a form of community which meets needs but not the truest need of being known and vulnerable to another individual. It just seems we need to be available to the world at large rather than safely tucked away in our plastic universe.

I'm Spent

There is this old Noel Paul Stockey worship tune from the late 70's - my time in youth group that easily sums up todays spiritual exercise

Hand it over to the Father
Hand it over to the Son
Hand it over to the Spirit
Till the work is done...

I guess that is today's exercise in spirituality - don't hang on to stuff, turn it over till the work is done. Oh, and by the way the work is never done on this spiritual plane. Last night I turned in my resignation to our Leadership after having done so earlier in the morning to my Executive Pastor. Today I shared with the staff - not an easy thing to do. I don't think many were surprised. Since then I've been spacing out phone calls to key ministry individuals letting them know because they will be receiving an email informing them about my decision and another one from the Sr. Pastor inviting them to a "summit meeting" to discuss the transition period.

I'm spent. While I'm a fairly strong person emotionally the one area that I struggle with (and who doesn't) is acceptance. In spite of what I know to have been some wonderful seeds planted, I fear that all which would be shared during that meeting would be a complete listing of all my failings and shortcomings. There might be some of that - not everyone will always be in agreement and when someone leaves the first thing to happen is to focus on what you didn't like to keep yourself from feeling pain and loss.

The upswing is that this evening I get an opportunity to see Newberg Christian School's "Christmas Program." No, they are not keeping to the early church concept of Epiphany, the evening they were to perform Oregon was hit with a record breaking windstorm - 100+ mph winds and rain which caused havoc, destruction and unfortunate a few lives lost throughout the State. Most schools and cities cancelled their Christmas programs and other events so we are having the rescheduled version performed for us tonight. If that is not an example of redemption - what is?

So, keep me in your prayers this weekend. I'll be sharing the news of my departure this weekend with the kids (preschool excepting...they'll be the week before my departure). My last Sunday is the 21st and I am assuming that also means that I will have to have my office cleaned out at that time as well. I know God is in the process but personally, this is the point in the adventure that life just sucks.

What's Around the Corner?

I am sitting here in my office, finalizing a few more details to this coming weekend's New Year's Eve curriculum for our kids ministry thinking over the past year. If I had to define the experience of moving from a progressive Episcopal congregation to a "more conservative than I realized" Church in a very open and moderate denomination - that word would have to be shell-shocked.

I know, the word seems a bit harsh. But the reality is that there is so much that seminary doesn't even begin to teach us about. Nor does the 3 quarters of Field Education and the 1 quarter of CPE work. Sure, I can create a liturgy, be decent enough in my preaching to ensure not preaching any grossly obvious heresies yet there is so much more than that.

Personally, It was a year of physical pain and heartache. My back had a major blowout with two ruptured discs and a reinjury in the middle of the summer. Trying to do the leg work of ministry while in excruciating pain was a nightmare. Being made aware that my mother who at 82 is quickly moving into her final transition years reminded me of the challenges of having "older" parents - which made me rethink about whether being single and in the ministry really made a good mix for becoming an adopted parent thus painfully again laying that dream back down and acknowledging that for the time being it is not to be pursued.

Ministry wise, I didn't expect the lonliness. Perhaps it is the fallout of living in an well to do suburb. Perhaps it is the the fact that you can take the girl out of the city but not the city out of the girl." Perhaps I lived in the awesome community founded in the "near" barrio of East Orange Grove Blvd. in Pasadena too long. I missed the diversity of life that I had in the city. And I couldn't let go of it no matter how much I attempted.

My Spiritual Director shared that more than likely that God was making aware of how much the church in America struggles with true acceptance of those who are unlike ourselves. That the Spirit was in the process of clarifying what the true passion and heart of my ministry might include - if I allowed the Spirit to work within me. Of course that means finally yielding to the possibility that this was merely an interim placement to knock out of my spirit some presumptions that I possessed while gaining further distance from the insane ministry internship position in my first two years of seminary.

And in the midst of the weariness there was this grace filled place that allowed me to really rethink my faith journey to this point, consider the lessons that I have garnered and focus on recreating a more accurate vision for my ministry and I pray my life. In the process of this, I am letting go of the dreams of what I thought ministry would/could be like and trying to be receptive to what God's designs might be for me. Secretly, I wish that God had those burning bush moments with me like Moses, but that is not in his/her plan. Part of the joy and mystery of the spiritual journey is not knowing what is around the corner yet beliving that when you get there you won't be alone.